Curve Appeal


My baseball-widow of a wife has finally figured out how to resurrect precious QT inevitably lost during the 6+ months all of us here at MLBlogs know as “Baseball Season”: she’s started watching games with me on the tube when the Rangers are out of town or when I’m not MIA at Rangers Ballpark. 

Now, I have no delusions that she’s actually becoming a baseball fan, that’s the stuff of Hollywood.  I doubt she will ever appreciate the awesomeness of a nasty breaking ball, the grace of a 6-4-3 double-play, or the greatness that is Albert Pujols. 

No, dear readers, the shared baseball experience between Mrs. J and moi will always take place in a place I call “The HGTV Zone”. 

Here are some observations from “the other side” (of the couch):

1) The opening to “Baseball Tonight” is cute

2) Wrigley Field would be a great place to visit because of the ivy.**

3) Rangers Ballpark should have ivy.

4) Vicente Padilla needs to take a shower.  (I agree with this observation)

5) Players should be required to button the top button on their jerseys.

6) The long-pantleg look is sloppy.  All players should wear stockings like that cutie Ian Kinsler.  (Sadly, and this will cost me “man-points”, I agree.  Not with the “cutie Kinsler” part, I’d have to burn my man-card for that, but with the pants leg thing)

7) The Rangers red uniforms are ugly.  (Ok, that’s mine.  I know, that’ll be two man-points)

8) It shouldn’t be called a walk-off, it should be called a hop-off, because they’re all hopping around at home-plate.

9) “Pujols” sounds a lot like Poo Holes. (Ok, that one was hardly HGTV, more MTV, but she made the phonetic observation, not me.  I would never say something like that about His Albertness unless, of course, he hit a World Series Game 7 hop-off against the Rangers or Red Sox)

10) C.J. Wilson is sooooo cute!

11) Jacoby Ellsbury is soooo cute!

12) Stop looking at the Rangers ball-girl!!!

…and those are just some of the tidbits I’ve been treated to from our couch this season.  Tonight, Mrs. J is actually going with me to see the Red Sox/Rangers game at the ballpark.  I may be posting an “HGTV Zone: From-the-Ballpark Edition” entry tomorrow.

Wish me luck. 

** I, of course, want to visit Wrigley Field for nostalgic baseball reasons, not the ivy.  However, a certain MLBlogger once told me in so many words that I can actually get the Wrigley experience right here at my own ballpark, thus saving me the airfare, hotel, and the pain of having to watch the Cubs play baseball.  Just follow these twelve simple steps:


1. Go to a game at your respective ballpark, in my case, Rangers Ballpark in Arlington.

2. During the seventh inning stretch, go to the mens room, especially if the PA guy is about to guilt you into standing for/listening to “God Bless America”

3. Seek out the broken urinal that all of the man-pigs have been peeing in since the first inning, despite the clearly posted “out of order” sign.

4. Place ivy clippings you snuck in to the ball park atop said urinal.

5. Remove hidden flask you snuck into the ball park, take a giant swig.

6. Whiz.  If you miss the urinal and spray the floor or your feet, all the better for your pseudo-Wrigley experience.

7. For those of you in stadiums built post-Spanish/American War, i.e. those lacking Wrigley troughs, fire a stream at your neighbor’s urinal for that true Wrigley communal feel. (This step courtesy of RaysFanboy over at More Cowbells)

8. Go to sink, turn on water for a three count.  (This is considered a valid hand-wash by us man-pigs)

9. Cuss at the empty paper towel dispensor.

10. Take another swig from flask.

11. Whine and complain about how you’ve been wronged by intangibles and then turn around and punch someone in the face and call them a f^g. (This step courtesy of Jeff @ RSBS)

12. Stagger out of the men’s room yelling “This is our year!!!” 

I may try this at tonight’s game, after all, one thing Ranger fans and Cubbie fans do share is futility





  1. diamondgirl55

    Hahaha, you have to appreciate us girl’s observations too!
    All that girly talk doesn’t mean we can’t be hardcore though, you know? I can talk nasty curve balls and the 6-4-3 double plays but I can also appreciate how cute the guys are that DO the curve balls and the 6-4-3 double plays :]
    And P.S, I think Kinsler is darling too and I plan on marrying David Wright or Gil Meche will leave his wife for me….or J.J Hardy…or Evan Longoria….in that order :]
    Fun blog! xoxo

  2. juliasrants

    In my house it is my husband who “tolerates” baseball season. Yes he understands all the runs and such – he just isn’t the fan that I am! Go figure….if I had a dollar for every guy who has told my husband how lucky he is to have a wife who loves sports….

    Oh and I hope you don’t mind but I will be cheering for the Red Sox tonight! lol!


  3. devilabrit

    Your wife must somehow communicate with mine, she started watchin the odd Phillies games here and there, all I get now is where’s the “stud muffin” or he’s old to be on the field, or he looks as though he should be still in high school… you know obviously what it’s like and my sympathies go out to you, especially tonight, i did that once too, once is the operative word….
    Outside the Phillies Looking In

  4. raysfanboy

    Hilarious! The wife thing certainly is funny, but as a guy who’s been to Wrigley more times than I can count, I had to laugh at your recreation of the Wrigley experience. The only thing that you are missing is replacing the urinals with troughs. No urination intimacy at Wrigley. Just one long stainless steel trough. Usually with a beer cup in it.

  5. Jonestein

    RFB – I started to put up a picture of a Wrigley trough, but remembered that the instructions were for the Wrigley experience “at your own ballpark”, most of today’s ballparks at least have seperate urinals…even though 3/4 of them are usually broken. Not that it matters to us man-pigs.

  6. phillies_phollowers

    It’s ok that the wife thinks baseball is “cute” in many way…as long as she can still tell you how many outs are in an inning and that she is aware of the infield fly rule :O) And if she can tell you what a balk is, she’s a keeper! LOL


  7. redstatebluestate

    Dude, this is a great post! My fav line: “Vicente Padilla needs to take a shower.” Most definitely. You (rather your wife) said exactly what I’ve been thinking all along. And your instructions for having the Wrigley experience are dead on… just missing this: Whine and complain about how you’ve been wronged by intangibles and then turn around and punch someone in the face and call them a f^g. I’ve seen it done before.

  8. luckylori

    You owe the Mrs. big-time for making the effort! And I’ll admit, an occasional “girl thought” crosses my mind when I’m watching baseball but I try not to say them out loud. Mr. Lucky would definitely tuck them away in his memory and use them to mock me later…like when I’m talking sports with the guys at the office. One “tighty-whitey” remark would erase all my street cred. πŸ˜‰
    P.S. – I “lifted” a little something from one of your previous posts…hope you don’t mind!!!

  9. Jonestein

    RFB – I incorporated your Wrigley trough experience into Step 7…thanks for the tip!

    Jenn- The Wife can’t do any of that, guess she needs to go. I’ll list her on eBay today after lunch.

    V- Thanks! After reading your blog, “vast rivers of sarcasm” was the first thing that popped into my head. :^)

    Jeff- Thanks Mon! Like RFB, your first-hand Wrigley experience has also been incorporated into the Wrigley-From-afar 12-Step Program. See Step 11. :^)

    Lori- Lift all you want. The day I start worrying about stuff like that is the day I start taking this blog and my tenuous grasp of the English language wayyyy too seriously. (besides, I just “lifted” the “tenuous grasp” bit from the sitcom “Big Bang Theory”…lol)


  10. Jonestein

    Jeff- Jeebus, that was disgusting…LOL! I’m certainly starting to see why you hold Cub fans in such high esteem.

  11. crazy19canuck

    Heya! Just found your blog!
    I would have to pay off my husband to even watch the HIGHLIGHTS of a game. He’ll watch Joe Saunders pitch, but he still thinks a slider is what they call it when a player steals a base. I have stopped trying to explain the game to him. Man, you’d think he could go out with the guys or do something when I’m glued to the TV or computer.
    Just hand me beer, the chips and the remote…go do whatever you want. I’m a baseball widow and I’m fine with it!
    P.S. I agree with you totally about going to Wrigley field for baseball reasons.

  12. metmainman

    I kind of know what you mean. For example, my little sister probably can’t even name 10 Major Leaguers, and she hardly knows the secondary and tirtiary rules, but if they have a softball game on TV she will watch it, just to see why when she pitches in her little league game it gets bowled to the plate, or thrown over the backstop.

    Another thing, I just went to a Yankee game this week.And right after Nick SWisher makes this great Bo Jackson-esque play, this woman behind me says to her boyfriend, “I don’t like how some guys have their pants down and some have their socks up.” I had to facepalm. I mean, I understand not everyone cares as much as us and that is fine, but you don’t have to be a hardcore fan or anything to realize how great a catch it was. How about something like, “Wow that was a nice catch, but he might get his uniform dirty.” Even that is fine. But all she has to say is about the fashion in which players wear there uniforms.

  13. raysfanboy

    Your guys keep rolling and have a great chance at sweeping the lowly KC Royals. But the LAAofA keep rolling too. Don’t know how. They are the most inexplicable team in the league, I think. Here’s to Nellie going deep today.

  14. raysfanboy

    Oh man, the Yanks kicked our butts tonight. Ugh. I don’t know how many beatdowns like that we can take. You guys seems to be holding strong, though. If we can’t get that wildcard, then I’m going to be pulling hard for you to take it from teh BoSox.

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