Previously, on Law & Order: Uniform Aesthetics Division –
During Monday’s episode, the BAPL UAD investigated Powdah-Blew gang activity in the AL East.
Tuesday found the unit trolling the dangerous aesthetic ghetto of the NL East.
Today, BAPL investigators venture into the AL Central, home to the frozen tundra of Minnesota, the frozen ideological wastelands of Kansas/Missouri, the mean streets of Chicago, and the empty streets of Cleveland and Detroit:
1. Cleveland Indians
Aside from the hella bad-a$s NBA Cleveland Cavaliers and their soon to be get-the-hell-outta-this-miserable-city forward LeBron James, about the only thing Cleveland sports fandom has going for it is the BAPL UAC Approved®
unis of the otherwise pathetic Cleveland Indians baseball club. The
home whites and away grays sport the perfectly proportioned combination
of navy blue and red. The cream colored alternates induce immediate,
multiple aesthetic fangasms, as do the road alts and their liberal use
of UAC perennial favorite color Navy Blue.
Most of all, the UAC adores those gutsy caps sporting the über-politically incorrect Indian with the sh!t-eatin’ grin on his face. Every year during the off-season, the BAPL UAC charters a bus for a weekend casino run up to
Oklahoma. Now, while no self-respecting UAC member would ever claim to be
an Indians fan, all UAC members enjoy donning said sh!t-eatin’ grin cap when entering the WinStar Casino of the Chickasaw Nation.
Numerous council members have confirmed that the logo depiction is
incredibly accurate, based on numerous face-to-face encounters with
Chickasaw blackjack dealers. Many a council member has noted the
increased intensity of the Chickasaw grin in proportion to council
member inebriation levels and subsequent hemorrhaging of Chickasaw
Colors (Navy Blue, Red, White): A+ (Great colors, wisely proportioned.)
Cap Insignia(s): A- (Very minor penalty for the use of the “C” and “I” alternate caps. Sh!t-eatin’ grin Chickasaw should be the only cap in use.)
Team Logo: A+ (The cigar-puffing, blustering pale-face who conceived this Injun logo really knocked the moccasins off the reservation.)
(How this wonderful mascot has survived the modern-day political correctness gestapo is beyond me. Long live Chief Wahoo!)
2. Minnesota Twins
only problem the council could find with the Twinks uniforms were that
of the alternate sleeveless jersey, a clear violation of UAC Code 86A – Sleeveless Jerseys Look Silly. Otherwise, all 2010 Twinkie uniforms were found pleasant to the eye, especially that of Joe Mauer, 2009 AL MVP who, coincidentally, anchors the UAC Chair’s fantasy baseball team, and not RSBS Co-Chair Jeff Lung’s fantasy team.
Colors (Navy Blue, Red, White): A+ (Like the Injuns, great colors, wisely proportioned.)
Cap Insignia(s): B- (The council likes the “Too Cold” insignia, but finds the “M” insignia unnecessary.)
Team Logo: B (Nicely designed and recognizable, but not fangasm-worthy)
(Regionally relevant, but falls into that “let’s not offend anyone” category of the “Mets”, “Nationals”, and “Expos”, all of which, the council finds extremely offensive.)
3. Detroit Tigers
council has always been impressed that the Detroiters, like the Yanks
of New York, opt for the simple yet classic home whites and away grays,
rather than a plethora of non-traditional alternates that do nothing
but over-commercialize the great game.
The council is especially
fond of the home whites and the Old English “D” that adorns them.
While lacking the majesty and mystique of the Yanks “NY”, the
Detroiters emblem symbolizes the tough, blue-collar grit of the
rust-belt unions, the very unions that, coincidentally, helped destroy the
economy of said rust belt. Perhaps, like General Motors, the Tigers can be bailed out with coerced tax payer money and become a
quasi-socialist organization run by President Hopenchange. Picture the image of Tigers skipper Jim Leyland sharing a smoke with PBO in the Tigers dugout…someone give Leroy Neiman a call immediately.
Tigers had a firm grasp on first place in the UAC standings throughout
the off-season and up until the last day of voting, when one
persnickety council member noted that the use of the color orange on
the navy away caps could easily be misconstrued as the UAC condemned
combination of orange and black. This forced a tie-breaker vote the
next day resulting in a disappointing finish for Les Tigres behind the
tundra-dwellers of Minneapolis/St. Paul. Detroit may never recover.
Colors (Navy Blue, White, Orange): B- (The orange cost them dearly)
Cap Insignia(s): A- (Perfection denied via red’s ugly sister.)
Team Logo: A+ (Classic)
(Has become rather trite in the world of mascots.)
4. Chicago White Sox
course, we all know that President Hopenchange would never bail out the
Detroit Tigers…hell, the man is self-respecting White Sox Fan.
Anyway, many a heated debate was had over the unis of the south-side
dwellers of the windy city. The home pinstripes were found to be
rock-solid, sleek and generally appealing. The only fault found with
the road grays was the stripe adorning the bottom half of the uni…the
council is still deliberating on the exact nature of this aesthetic
The alternates, of course, clearly violate UAC Section P, Article 303 – Mixing of Solids and Stripes.
But what sealed the fate of the Chicagoans 4th place rating was a 3/4
majority appeal for retroactive reparations for the aesthetic crimes
committed by the club during the late 70’s/early 80’s “baggy uni” phase. Reparations will begin to be phased out at the beginning of the 2020 season.
Colors (Black, Silver, White): B+ (Nothing flashy, very meat & potatoes. The council is a fan of meat and potatoes.)
Cap Insignia(s): A (Simple, stylish)
Team Logo: A (Ditto)
(Like “Red Sox”, the ears of UAC members do not hear “socks”, we hear “play ball”)
5. Kansas City Royals
Any hope the Royals ever had of escaping the cellar in the UAC
standings are and will forever be dashed by the hideous, inexcusable
aesthetic assault that is their powder blue alternates. The council
also weeps that the talent of Zack Grienke is not only being wasted in
the fandom wasteland of Kansas City, but that they have the nerve to
dress Herr Grienke up in such humiliating attire. No wonder he has a social anxiety disorder. A thousand curses
upon this franchise! What’s that? “Get in line”?
Colors (Royal Blue, Powder Blue, White): D– (Lose the powder blue.)
Cap Insignia(s): B (Not awe-inspiring, but not awful either)
Team Logo: C (Meh)
(I seem to recall that this has some regional significance, but since
this is the Royals, I just don’t see the upside of Googling the answer.)
Actual BAPL Predictions for the American League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:
1. Minnesota Twins (See Mauer bias above)
2. Chicago White Sox (Possible wild card in the works)
3. Detroit Tigers (More mediocrity in the works)
4. Cleveland Indians (Possibly a fierce battle for the cellar with KC in the works)
5. Kansas City Royals (More pathetic Grienke wasting in the works)
Next up: the NL Central
Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.
Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.