2010 BAPL UAC Predictions – NL West

For UAC Chair and BAPL CEO Jonestein, the NL West is but a sad
reminder of a screenwriting career that was never to be.  One of the
many screenplays submitted by Jonestein to Hollywood was one titled “Sent Down”, a tragic, yet witty homage to the great game which was surely destined to become The Next Great Baseball Movie

“Sent Down” centered around an eclectic group of Major League Baseball players recently sent down to the their Triple A affiliate Provo Golden Plates in
Utah.   A character-driven story, the five main characters in the
script represented an encapsulation of each NL West team’s regional
personality and quirks(translation: perceived stereotypes):

Bobby Roxsum, Jr.
(Played by the Colorado Rockies) – The main character of the story,
Bobby is a young baseball prodigy who made a brief appearance in the
majors last season but was sent back down to Provo shortly thereafter. 
Young Bobby is still trying to figure out who he is, a task complicated
by his dichotomous upbringing at the hands of his (now divorced)
parents, Robert Sr., a Baptist pastor in Colorado Springs, and his
mother, Jan Dowdy-Roxsum, PhD, an Environmental Scientist at Colorado
State University.  Bobby’s journey of self-discovery is complicated
even further by the influence of his oddball teammates.

Danny “Dude” Mann
(Played by the LA Dodgers) – Dude Mann has the talent to be a perennial
MLB All-Star, but his laid-back lifestyle and work ethic, coupled with
his frequent use of “medicinal” marijuana and subsequent suspensions,
have landed his career in Provo, where he frequently ends up on the DL
after “catching a snow wave, Dude” following his morning “glaucoma treatment”.

P.C.  Limpright
(Played by the San Francisco Giants) – P.C.’s political crusades often
land him in hot water with the Provo locals, who also take issue with
his celebration dance after driving one home.  P.C.’s crusade to ban
wooden bats and leather gloves also have league officials frowning on
him.

Mike “Sarge” March (Played by the San Diego Padres)
– Sarge frequently peruses the crowd for disrespectful fans who try to
escape to the men’s room during the 7th inning stretch playing of “God
Bless America”.  He once put an unsuspecting Japanese tourist into a
sleeper hold for taking pictures during said 7th inning ritual of
guilt-coerced patriotism.  “Foreignality is no excuse!”, shouted the enraged Golden Plates 3rd baseman after the incident.

R.L. “Sundown” Hawthorne
(Curmudgeonly Manager of the Golden Plates, played by the Arizona
Diamondbacks) –  The 72 year old skipper of the ‘Plates only took the
Provo job because there are no lights at Joseph Smith Field, so all
games are played during the day, enabling him to make it to Luby’s by
4:45 for supper.

A sample scene from the baseball epic that never was:

INT – PROVO GOLDEN PLATES CLUBHOUSE – AFTERNOON

Center
on a running water fountain being operated by ‘Plates shortstop Dude
Mann, his teammates waiting impatiently for a thirst-quenching drink.

DUDE MANN
Almost there, dudes, almost there.

SARGE MARCH
What in the HAY-UL happened to our Sparkletts delivery?!?

BOBBY ROXSUM
I think Limpright sued the delivery guy for environmental genocide.

P.C. LIMPRIGHT
Do you apes not care what those plastic bottles are doing to THE ENVIRONMENT?!?

SUNDOWN HAWTHORNE
Oh, Jesus, is it time for my Luann plate yet?

DUDE MANN
(Finally taking a drink)
Mmmm, dudes, it’s like having sex with one of those blue things from “Avatar”.

Scene.

Why this potential classic never made it to the big screen remains a mystery to this day.

Anyways, back to the aestheitcs:

1. LA Dodgers275px-NLW-Uniform-LAD.PNG
Traditional
and simple with no alternates, a perennial favorite of the BAPL UAC,
especially the road grays, which the council got to witness first hand
last season when the Dodgers came to Arlington.

Colors (
Dodger Blue and White): A(Dodger blue rocks)
Cap Insignia(s): A 
(
Ok, this one is probably the second most recognizable in the world, not the Bostons’)
Team Logo: B (
Like it, but don’t love it)
Mascot: A (
Never bothered to explore it’s origins until a few years ago…we likee)

2. Colorado Rockies275px-NLW-Uniform-COL.PNG
Had the Dodgers gone to the merchandising dark side and started
sporting alternates, then the Rox would have grabbed first place in the
UAC standings.  The Rox purple and black combo is a UAC favorite also
sported by the UAC’s favorite hockey team, the Texas Brahmas, and root-for-by-proximity-proxy college football team, the TCU Horned Frogs.  The Colorado sleeveless alternates, however, cost ’em a spot in the standings.

Colors (Black, Purple, Silver, White): A(Brahma and Horned Frog worthy)
Cap Insignia(s): A 
(
It Rox!)
Team Logo: A (
Regional, purple, and black…love it)
Mascot: A+ (
Absolutely perfect for this team)

3. San Francisco Giants 275px-NLW-Uniform-SF.PNG
Third place was a virtual toss-up between the Giants and Padres based
solely on their hideous alternates.  The Giants won out however, due to
the appeal of their home cream unis and in spite of the UAC condemned
Orange/Black motif of the team.  Plus, Matt Cain is on one of Chairman
Jonestein’s fantasy teams.

Colors (Black, Orange, Cream): F  (Blech)
Cap Insignia(s): D 
(
Blech)
Team Logo: B (
Meh)
Mascot: B (
Not
horrible.  We just wonder why baseball commentators don’t feel the need
to call them the San Francisco “Baseball” Giants like the NFL does the
New York “Football” Giants)

4. San Diego Padres 275px-NLW-Uniform-SD.PNG

With the exception of the home whites and first alternates,
probably, some of the most heinous unis in all of baseball.  Yeah,
yeah, I get the shove-the-patriotism-down-your-throat motives of the
second alts, but from an aesthetic perspective, BLECH!

Colors (Navy Blue, Sand, White): D  (The only color saving the Friars from total condemnation is the Navy Blue)
Cap Insignia(s): B 
(
Not horrible)
Team Logo: D (
Looks like it should be the logo for some sun block with aloe)
Mascot: F (
Effing stupid)

5. Arizona Diamondbacks 275px-NLW-Uniform-ARI.PNG

Only the second alts escape complete UAC condemnation.  The rest of
the D-Back unis suffer from the red curse, as well as a horrible logo,
one of the most hideous in the league.

Colors (Sedona Red, Black, Sonoran Sand, White): F  (Yeah,
they can try and hide behind fancy words like “Sedona” and “Sonoran”,
but they can’t hide from the council’s judgmental eyes)

Cap Insignia(s): B 
(
Kinda cool, actually)
Team Logo: B/F
(
The TEAM logo is ok, but the logo on the jerseys is awful)
Mascot: A+ (
Surround it with some non-offensive colors and a decent jersey logo and the cellar dwelling days would be over.)

Actual BAPL Predictions for the National League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:

NL West
1. Colorado Rockies (Tulo and Co. will continue to thrive.) 
2. San Francisco Giants (Timmah and Co. should take the NL Wild Card)
3.
LA Dodgers (Manny and the Dodgers will falter late in the season)
4. Arizona Diamondbacks (Look for some improvements over last year, but not much)
5. San Diego Padres
  (Like the Royals, Pirates, Natinals, and Orioles, this team would be great in a relegation league).


Next up: the AL West

–Jonestein

Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.

Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.
  

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3 comments

  1. devilabrit

    Far be it from me to insinuate the possibility of what may be determined as an alien infiltration of some catastrophic proportions within the boundaries of the BAPL & UAC, but again a club with the outright arrogance of presenting itself with just 2 uniforms gets a top the list and a club with more selection gets sent to the basement, even though yesterday a club matching the 1 and 2 uniform colors of today’s #5 hit #2 yesterday, but it only had the arrogance to have those two uniforms. The fact that today’s #4 should have been penalized more for giving the fans the option to go hunting or a baseball game without changing is evidence that something is not quite as it seems within the BAPL & UAC, here’s hoping it has nothing to do with the crybaby antics of a ChiSox fans obvious cry for nicer attention to media friendly source earlier this week and blatantly complained of competing sources, knowing they would get a fan friendly outcome.

    Still funny though….

    -peter
    Phillies Outside

  2. bklyntrolleyblogger

    Hey Peter, Say what you really feel dude. Don’t hold back.

    While I think the Padres uniform, no matter which incarnation, has always been the worst in baseball… I think the actual logo of the swingin’ Padre is one of the best.

    The Dodgers? We may have bums in common, along with most, but I don’t know what L.A. knows about Dodgin’ Trolleys! Re-name them now to the L.A. Sunglasses or Plastic Surgeons or something more local like that.

    Giants? Thanks for the NY ya buncha back stabbers.

    D-Backs – Their uniforms could glow in the dark and have flashing neon lights and I still wouldn’t pay attention to the Witness Relocation Varsity Squad!

    Colorado – aside from the fact they couldn’t come up with something more original, considering the hockey team that is now the NJ Devils were once the Colorado Rockies, everything else they got right.

    mike
    http://thebrooklyntrolleyblogger.mlblogs.com/

  3. devilabrit

    Mike… ‘Jonestein’ is one of the few on here than can give better than he gets and know its all in good fun…. you know the whole school yard type stuff … think this blog is great.. so gotta abuse it now and again…LOL

    -peter

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