You’d think at the ripe age of 45, I would sense the red flags after hearing this statement. But alas, when it comes to the game of baseball, I’m still a 15 year old kid susceptible to temptation.
Yes, I’m talking about my latest new addiction, Fantasy Baseball. Not only did my baseball crack dealer get me hooked on one league, he managed to hook me on two, and let me tell ya something, dear readers, it is some kind of hella-addicting.
Not only that, it has changed the way I watch the game. It’s not unlike the first time I watched “The Wall” whilst stoned outta my gourd.
Suddenly, I give a crap what Brad Hawpe of the Rockies is doing at the plate, that Torii Hunter just grounded into a double play, or that Matt Cain just gave up a game-tying triple. Aaron Hill pulled a hammie? Oh crap! Now I have a reason to give a shiite about the Blue Jays and am forced to learn that the D-Backs second baseman has a girl’s name.
My fandom loyalties are also being tested and pulled in all directions. While watching Scott Feldman pitch at Rangers Ballpark this week, I found myself secretly rooting against him because he was one of my fantasy opponent’s starting pitchers. Then again, Feldman is one of MY starting pitchers in the other fantasy league! GAHHH!!! Worst of all, I have Mariano Rivera as one of my closers in both fantasy leagues, so I’m now actually rooting for the Yankees when Mo is in a save sitch!
My advice, “Just Say No” to fantasy baseball, it will take over your life.
(I’m kidding, it effing rocks!)
Now please excuse me while I go knock off a liquor store so I can make my dues in the pay league.
Cartoon from here.
For UAC Chair and BAPL CEO Jonestein, the NL West is but a sad
reminder of a screenwriting career that was never to be. One of the
many screenplays submitted by Jonestein to Hollywood was one titled “Sent Down”, a tragic, yet witty homage to the great game which was surely destined to become The Next Great Baseball Movie.
“Sent Down” centered around an eclectic group of Major League Baseball players recently sent down to the their Triple A affiliate Provo Golden Plates in
Utah. A character-driven story, the five main characters in the
script represented an encapsulation of each NL West team’s regional
personality and quirks(translation: perceived stereotypes):
Bobby Roxsum, Jr.
(Played by the Colorado Rockies) – The main character of the story,
Bobby is a young baseball prodigy who made a brief appearance in the
majors last season but was sent back down to Provo shortly thereafter.
Young Bobby is still trying to figure out who he is, a task complicated
by his dichotomous upbringing at the hands of his (now divorced)
parents, Robert Sr., a Baptist pastor in Colorado Springs, and his
mother, Jan Dowdy-Roxsum, PhD, an Environmental Scientist at Colorado
State University. Bobby’s journey of self-discovery is complicated
even further by the influence of his oddball teammates.
Danny “Dude” Mann
(Played by the LA Dodgers) – Dude Mann has the talent to be a perennial
MLB All-Star, but his laid-back lifestyle and work ethic, coupled with
his frequent use of “medicinal” marijuana and subsequent suspensions,
have landed his career in Provo, where he frequently ends up on the DL
after “catching a snow wave, Dude” following his morning “glaucoma treatment”.
(Played by the San Francisco Giants) – P.C.’s political crusades often
land him in hot water with the Provo locals, who also take issue with
his celebration dance after driving one home. P.C.’s crusade to ban
wooden bats and leather gloves also have league officials frowning on
Mike “Sarge” March (Played by the San Diego Padres)
– Sarge frequently peruses the crowd for disrespectful fans who try to
escape to the men’s room during the 7th inning stretch playing of “God
Bless America”. He once put an unsuspecting Japanese tourist into a
sleeper hold for taking pictures during said 7th inning ritual of
guilt-coerced patriotism. “Foreignality is no excuse!”, shouted the enraged Golden Plates 3rd baseman after the incident.
R.L. “Sundown” Hawthorne
(Curmudgeonly Manager of the Golden Plates, played by the Arizona
Diamondbacks) – The 72 year old skipper of the ‘Plates only took the
Provo job because there are no lights at Joseph Smith Field, so all
games are played during the day, enabling him to make it to Luby’s by
4:45 for supper.
A sample scene from the baseball epic that never was:
on a running water fountain being operated by ‘Plates shortstop Dude
Mann, his teammates waiting impatiently for a thirst-quenching drink.
Almost there, dudes, almost there.
What in the HAY-UL happened to our Sparkletts delivery?!?
I think Limpright sued the delivery guy for environmental genocide.
Do you apes not care what those plastic bottles are doing to THE ENVIRONMENT?!?
Oh, Jesus, is it time for my Luann plate yet?
(Finally taking a drink)
Mmmm, dudes, it’s like having sex with one of those blue things from “Avatar”.
Anyways, back to the aestheitcs:
1. LA Dodgers
and simple with no alternates, a perennial favorite of the BAPL UAC,
especially the road grays, which the council got to witness first hand
last season when the Dodgers came to Arlington.
Colors (Dodger Blue and White): A+ (Dodger blue rocks)
Cap Insignia(s): A
(Ok, this one is probably the second most recognizable in the world, not the Bostons’)
Team Logo: B (Like it, but don’t love it)
Mascot: A (Never bothered to explore it’s origins until a few years ago…we likee)
2. Colorado Rockies
Had the Dodgers gone to the merchandising dark side and started
sporting alternates, then the Rox would have grabbed first place in the
UAC standings. The Rox purple and black combo is a UAC favorite also
sported by the UAC’s favorite hockey team, the Texas Brahmas, and root-for-by-proximity-proxy college football team, the TCU Horned Frogs. The Colorado sleeveless alternates, however, cost ’em a spot in the standings.
Colors (Black, Purple, Silver, White): A+ (Brahma and Horned Frog worthy)
Cap Insignia(s): A
Team Logo: A (Regional, purple, and black…love it)
Mascot: A+ (Absolutely perfect for this team)
3. San Francisco Giants
Third place was a virtual toss-up between the Giants and Padres based
solely on their hideous alternates. The Giants won out however, due to
the appeal of their home cream unis and in spite of the UAC condemned
Orange/Black motif of the team. Plus, Matt Cain is on one of Chairman
Jonestein’s fantasy teams.
Colors (Black, Orange, Cream): F (Blech)
Cap Insignia(s): D
Team Logo: B (Meh)
Mascot: B (Not
horrible. We just wonder why baseball commentators don’t feel the need
to call them the San Francisco “Baseball” Giants like the NFL does the
New York “Football” Giants)
4. San Diego Padres
With the exception of the home whites and first alternates,
probably, some of the most heinous unis in all of baseball. Yeah,
yeah, I get the shove-the-patriotism-down-your-throat motives of the
second alts, but from an aesthetic perspective, BLECH!
Colors (Navy Blue, Sand, White): D (The only color saving the Friars from total condemnation is the Navy Blue)
Cap Insignia(s): B
Team Logo: D (Looks like it should be the logo for some sun block with aloe)
Mascot: F (Effing stupid)
5. Arizona Diamondbacks
Only the second alts escape complete UAC condemnation. The rest of
the D-Back unis suffer from the red curse, as well as a horrible logo,
one of the most hideous in the league.
Colors (Sedona Red, Black, Sonoran Sand, White): F (Yeah,
they can try and hide behind fancy words like “Sedona” and “Sonoran”,
but they can’t hide from the council’s judgmental eyes)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Kinda cool, actually)
Team Logo: B/F (The TEAM logo is ok, but the logo on the jerseys is awful)
Mascot: A+ (Surround it with some non-offensive colors and a decent jersey logo and the cellar dwelling days would be over.)
Actual BAPL Predictions for the National League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:
1. Colorado Rockies (Tulo and Co. will continue to thrive.)
2. San Francisco Giants (Timmah and Co. should take the NL Wild Card)
3. LA Dodgers (Manny and the Dodgers will falter late in the season)
4. Arizona Diamondbacks (Look for some improvements over last year, but not much)
5. San Diego Padres (Like the Royals, Pirates, Natinals, and Orioles, this team would be great in a relegation league).
Next up: the AL West
Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.
Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.