Yes, dear readers, now that the “Los Angeles” Angels of Anaheim, California have succeeded in sweeping my #2 team, the “Boston” Red Sox of Boston, Taxachucetts, and thus, sweeping my MLB enthusiam out the door until next spring, it’s time for another heart-warming episode of “Jonestein B!tches About Petty Things Completely Out of His Control”, and yes, another exacerbatingly long opening sentence wrought with comma abuse, typos, and diction ineptness, all brought to you by the Texas State Board of Education, where evolution is Just a Theory® and The Bible is the only science text book God’s Children® will ever need.
In today’s episode, we discuss the insipid practice of shilling NFL merchandise under the pretense of “nostalgia“, otherwise known as the “Throwback Game”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, the libertarian, free market economics guy in me (insert tasteless joke here) is all for making money, but there is just something disingenuous at work here that leaves a bad taste in my mouth(I’m just lobbing these over the plate, eh?) and this, once again, “manufactured nostalgia” is just one of the many off-putting things that have made me a marginal NFL fan over the years.
Yeah, yeah, I know, MLB does it’s share of Fake Nostalgia Games, as well as it’s Racism-Guilt Baiting Games, but like any blogger worth his salt, I choose to ignore that fact and continue to wax sanctimoniously, not missing a beat.
Anyway, much like the awarding of the now meaningless Nobel Peace Prize and it’s manufactured prestige to our President, Saint Hopenchange, these “throwback” games are just grandiose marketing schemes designed to sell us a bunch of crap we don’t need: more “authentic”/replica jerseys, t-shirts, and socialized medicine that we can’t pay for and haven’t really thought through.
And of course, there’s the putrid aesthetics. Take those gawd-awful throwbacks sported by the Denver Broncos yesterday. Those things were hideous back when they were hideous. I’m certainly no fashion maven, but what kind of bush-league, embarrasment of an organization would subject their players to the ridicule inherent with sporting yellow and brown uniforms?
Not only did I want to go all Oedipus(sans the mom-porking) over those hideous Broncos throwbacks, I had to endure yet another game watching Brady & Co. wear their bland throwbacks, you know, the ones with the Smiling, Patriotic Reach-Around Guy on the helmet? Blech.
Then there was my beloved heroes, the Dallas Cowboys, decked out in their circa 1960 blue and white abominations, playing “The Game That Never Was” with the Kansas City Chefs/Dallas Texans. Yeah, I got a warm fuzzy, harkening back to those days in 1960 I remember so fondly, floating around in Dad’s gnads, waiting for that call up to Big Leagues. Thing is, those unis were hideous back then too, so much that the paisley-like former incarnation of myself could even sense it down at Double A.
So please, NFL, spare us the smarmy, manufactured nostalgia. Limit this nonsense to ONE week per season, preferably during the Cowboys bye week.
Yes, I realize just two posts ago I declared my Texas Rangers DOA, but another glance at the remaining schedules of Los Anaheim and Los Arlington, along with a dash of irrational hope, gives me pause to think my boys can still win the AL West.
My irrational hope is of course contingent upon several baseball planets agreeing to align:
1. The mighty Rangers offense must awake from it’s untimely slumber. One miserable run in the last thirty-seven innings…the thought makes me want to short-circuit this post immediately and don my Red Sox gear.
2. Despite what our bargain-basement manager, Ron Washington says, taking JUST two of three from the Angels this weekend ain’t gonna cut it! Two of three would net us one lousy game in the AL West Standings, which, Ron, is still 5.5 games back with just 14 games left. ONLY a sweep of the Angels will do.
3. Assuming the improbable sweep of the Halos, we must, somehow, someway, figure out HOW TO BEAT THE G’DAMN LAST PLACE OAKLAND FKN A’S! Three of four next week in the gangsta-infested land of green and yellow would suffice, assuming…
4….the Yankees don’t lie down next week in their three game set in Los Anaheim. A Yankees sweep of the Halos coupled with some semblance of baseball competence in the Land of Oaks would put us within a half game of first in the AL West.
5. Any combination of break even-ness Sept 25-27, but preferably sweepage by the Rangers and at least one loss by the Angels. (Tampa @Texas, Oakland @Los Anaheim) Which sets the stage for…
6. …Sept 28 – Oct 1 in Los Anaheim between the Halos and Rangers. A series win could vault the Rangers into first place. (on a side note: I’ll be at Fenway watching the Sox play the Injuns on Oct 1)
7. But then they face the M’s at Seattle for the final three, with the Halos at Oakland, so it would be a matter of the Rangers clinging for dear life in the Pacific Northwest…hopefully we would not have to face Felix Hernandez in this scenario.
Yeah, I know, this sequence of improbables is as likely to happen as the socialist goons in D.C. thrusting a non-disasterous universal health care system(redundant) upon us, but I can dream (along with the naive supporters of said [insert clever/insulting word prepended with “Obama”].