Epiphanies can be a wonderful experience. You know, those “ah-ha” moments of perceptive clarity when you suddenly “get it”. As a kid, it may be that moment when you’re standing at the plate and you finally recognize the spin of that nasty curve ball the little sh!t on the mound has been using to strike you out all day. You get that grin on your face, cock your bat, kick your leg, then still flail at it like you’re waving a NASCAR checkered flag. Indeed, maybe you’d be better off writing about baseball than playing baseball.
Or maybe, as a teen, it’s that embarrassing moment when you realize that Dawn Jamison from across the street didn’t come up to your room to see your Al Oliver rookie baseball card after all, and it hits you the next day with profound clarity, “OF COURSE she didn’t want to see my Al Oliver rookie card, she wanted to see my Fergie Jenkins card!”
As you get into your twenties, you may start having political epiphanies, especially if you participate in the Progressive-Collectivist indoctrination process known as “College” (or as you Brit readers say, “University”…that is so friggin gay) The feeding-from-the-taxpayer-trough professors fill your young mind with Keynesian wealth redistribution economics(how convenient for them), cross-discipline, create-a-crisis enviro-science, and of course, Progressive History 101 – All White Males are Evil Incarnate, the sum total of which leads you to the inevitable conclusion that you are a Democrat and that Republicans suck a$s.
Of course, the political epiphanies may change as you hit your thirties. If you majored in something marketable and start actually making a little money, you tend to want to keep that money and suddenly another epiphany hits – all of that feel-good Keynesian nonsense fed to you by your fiery, state-employed professor is nothing but a bunch of Robin Hoodesque bullsh!t…the only difference is that the smiling Progressive Democrat or Folksy Republican you fawned over and voted for isn’t stealing from “the rich”, he/she is “the rich” and is stealing from you, Joe Middle-Class! Thus spawns the epiphany that there’s really only ONE political party in this country, but they’ve brilliantly managed to keep up the facade of a two-party system in order to fool the people into thinking their vote counts for something, when in reality, the ruling class is merely taking turns p!ssing away our coerced tax dollars!
*takes blood-pressure meds*
But I digress. Today I had another epiphany, it was the epiphany that my life is one giant string of epiphanies, and that said epiphanies just get progressively worse, constantly reminding me that I’m getting old.
Here are some of the ones you may recognize (or will eventually recognize, for you young farts/fartesses out there):
1. The “Sir/Ma’am” Epiphany.
This one is pretty cliché, but inevitable nonetheless. It usually strikes shortly after your thirtieth birthday when you are addressed as “Sir” or “Ma’am” by someone younger than you. Your first reaction is usually something like “WTF did you just call me, kid?”, which spawns the add-on I-might-be-getting-old epiphany of “I just called that 21 year-old college kid ‘kid’!” This one is dangerously recursive and might drive you insane if you don’t discover the recursive epiphany termination statement of “21 year-old college student“. No wonder the Powers-That-Be in Logan’s Run chose 30 as the Friday Night Fireworks age.
2. The “Hollywood Regurgitation” Epiphany
I always wondered why my mom and step-dad never went to the movies after they hit their mid-fifties. Now I know – all the stories have been told, and I’m just now arriving at my mid-forties. Hollywood continues to tell the same stories, they just repackage each one with better special effects and a seemingly endless stream of attractiveness-to-talent inverse ratio “hottest young stars”. I had this epiphany a couple of weeks ago when I went to see “Legion“. It didn’t take long to realize I had been sucked into yet another zombie flick disguised as yet another Armageddon flick disguised as a fairly cool-looking pseudo-biblical flick (I was wondering why there were so many cars in the parking lot displaying that idiotic Christian “fish” magnet on their trunks). Anyway, let me save you the 10 dollar ticket and 40 dollars worth of artery-clogging concessions: go rent “Shaun of the Dead”, it’s the only zombie movie you’ll ever need to see.
3. The “That Hip Adjective Sounds Stupid to Me” Epiphany.
This one took a while for me. “Cool” was the first one I remember growing up, it was ok because, well, I was young and old people were old. Then somewhere along the line, everything was suddenly “awesome”, but I’m cool, so I rolled with it. Mixed in there somewhere was “excellent”, which was the first one that had a tinge of awkwardness, but The Simpsons saved that one for me because saying it like Montgomery Burns just feels right for some reason. But I knew it had to end, and end it did with the recent rise of the catch-adjective “epic”. My youngest nephew loves this one, and he regularly reminds me that many things are “epic”, like the latest album from “Nickelback” (“album”, you say? WTF is THAT, old dude?), or “Ninja Assassin” is “most epic” (uh-oh, variation), to which I try to be hip and agree, even though I have no idea what “Nickelback” or “Ninja Assassin” might be. I keep waiting for him to inform me that Legion was “epic”.
4. The “Religion/Supernatural Cognitive Dissonance” Epiphany.
The path to this one varies, and may not occur at all, depending on how you were raised, how much of the kool-aid you’ve consumed, and how obstinate you are. For me, it was a three stage process:
Stage One: Yeah, some kind of God exists, mainly because I live in Texas and that’s all I’ve ever been taught.
Stage Two: (An epiphany in itself) There definitely IS a God because apparently, I’m susceptible to logical fallacies! Hallelujah! Praise-UH Jayyyysuss-UH! Republicans Rock!
Stage Three: (After several thorough readings and studies of “The Bible”) “Holy F**k! What a bunch of contradictory, control-the-ignorant-masses bunch of garbage! How did I EVER believe this sh!t?!? In fact, why the hell would I believe in anything supernatural when there is absolutely no credible evidence for any of it?!? What sort of insane cognitive dissonance was I engaged in? Holy Christ, I’m getting OLD…I just said cognitive dissonance!!!”
5. The “Major League Baseball Players are really just in it for the MONEY” Epiphany.
HA! Liar! No they’re not!! Our heroes play the game for the love of the game, you blasphemous fktard! Shut the hell up! I SAID SHUT UP!!!!
Long live cognitive dissonance.
That’s right boys and girls, it’s now officially the offseason, that time of year when all of Rangerdom cringes(no, not the September cringes), waiting to see what the Next Disasterous Move to come out of the Rangers front office will be. Add to the mix our club’s ownership woes, and this offseason has the potential to send us spiraling into a tailspin…away from mediocrity and back down to the embarrassing.
Now, as usual, I’m being my unfair, Cynical Ba$tard© self, seeing as how over the last year Jon Daniels and Nolan Ryan have actually made some of the best moves a club can make, which is the less-exciting, subtle No Move At All, move. I applauded the shiite out of them in late-July for NOT trading away the farm to get Roy Halladay, and I applaud them for that still.
Last offseason, they did make some great move-moves, namely acquiring Omar Vizquel to mentor Elvis Andrus, and moving Michael Young over to third base. At the time, those of us in Rangerdom were slightly worried about this move, because our unofficial captain, Young, wasn’t thrilled with the move at all. Fortunately, Mike’s a trooper. He took one for the team, made the move, and conquered third base.
This off-season, unfortunately, isn’t looking so good, IMHO, and the No Move-Move, ain’t gonna cut it. Numero Uno on the To-Do list, is to re-sign this guy, regardless of ownership:
Marlon Byrd was invaluable in 2009 when Josh Hamilton went down. He played gold-glove caliber center field, swung a mighty bat(two-baggers out the wahzoo), and provided some great leadership in the clubhouse. Plus, we the fans love the f’n guy. Sadly, he’s filed for free agency and all indications from Jon Daniels is that resigning him ain’t gonna happen. So, Strike ONE, for the Rangers front office!
Priority Numero Two-o: Sell the frickin team to someone who:
1) Isn’t going to use it as a giant, good-ole-boy accessory – “Yessir-y, I own me some oil rigs, a sh!t-load of cattle, and I bought the Missus a really BIG diamond up thar in Dallas somewhere, not quite sure exactly where, but it’s a damn big sumbitch!”
2) Isn’t going to buy the team just to turn a profit so he can fund a US Presidential campaign that will ultimately lead to the destruction of the US economy, the shredding of the US Constitution, yet another US War Machine Profiteering Scam© , and eight years later, is single-handedly responsible for putting the f*cking Manchurian Candidate Incarnate into the White House while a nation of Useful Idiots swoon because their Hopenchange Messiah is photogenic and can wax eloquently from a teleprompter.
3) Isn’t going to mortgage away the future of the team by signing ONE superstar to an insane, high-dollar contract, only to leave barely enough cash in the till to surround said superstar with the Bad News Bears, thus dooming the club to a decade of embarrassing celler-dwelling, mediocrity, and dashed-hope September meltdowns.
…in other words, get a Mark Cuban caliber owner in the house who wants to put a fking winner on the field! Say what you want about Cuban, but he puts a winner on the court every frickin year, and he’s NOT Jerry Jones.
I’ll cover Numero-Three-o through Numero Whatever-o in a later post…I just worked myself into a p!ssed off frenzy and need to step away from the keyboard before blood vessels start exploding in my brain.
This has nothing to do with baseball, but it’s certainly something I’m equally passionate about: Politics and the destructive Big Government shenanigans of “beloved” politicians hailing from places like “Camelot” and “Chicago”.
Yeah, I know it’s rude to speak ill of the recently departed, but I’d rather be rude than dishonest:
GOOD RIDDANCE to that statist piece of crap Ted Kennedy!
Our nation’s plunderers are laughably in mourning over the “loss” of this corrupt, leftist, machine politician whose less-than-romantic legacy is the rubble of our constitutional republic. So again, GOOD RIDDANCE!
I’m as relieved to see him part as I was when this self-righteous a$s-hat croaked:
And while I’m at it, how about some preemptive “rudeness”, i.e. others I will be overjoyed to see six feet under:
1. Barney Frank, Co-Architect of the current recession/depression.
2. George W. Bush, Puppet-Architect of the accelerated US Police State.
3. Pat Robertson, Another Religious-Right A$shat.
4. Tom Daschle, Why is this guy still being quoted in the media…oh yeah, the media are nothing but a bunch of leftist, partisan DNC cheerleaders.
5. Nancy Pelosi and this entire crop of socialist-democrats infesting Congress.
6. All Neo-Con, New Roman Empire Republicans also infesting Congress.
7. Rick Perry and his anti-evolution dimwit religious coherts who corrupt Texas Politics and make Texas science-education a laughing stock.
8. And of course, The Obamessiah and his Big Government regime. (I’d include his Useful Idiot, “Progressive” flock, but some of these unfortunates are friends of mine).
Ahhh, I feel much better now.
You may return to your laughable mourning.