Rangers 7, Red Sox 3 (Sunday)
Red Sox 3, Rangers 1 (Saturday)
Yes, Jed Lowrie is a wuss.* I was thinking this exact thought yesterday as I sat up in the shade, approximately 5000 rows back from the BAPL VIP seats in the 103 degrees at Rangers Ballpark. I mean, COME ON, I was doing just fine with a water drenched bandanna wrapped around my neck, dooshy little mist fan a-blowin’, and six-pack of ice cold Ozarka in the ice chest….jeez.
I was also there for the 102 degree sweat-fest the night before, but was Jed Lowrie? Nooooo! He was all dehydrated or some lame excuse from the night before, a game that, yes, you guessed it, yours truly was also at, sweating away 10 lbs of salt and lard.
ANYway, Saturday’s loss to my numero two-o team, the Boston Red Sox, wasn’t that hard to swallow. Jon Lestah pitched a gem (as did Colby Lewis), and t’weren’t no one was gonna hit that Beantown Badas$ on Saturday night.
What WAS hard to swallow was 1) The Ranger’s bullpen letting the BoSox get two more runs in the ninth, and 2) Vladdy’s ill-timed attempt to steal during the rally in the bottom of the ninth. BAD Vladdy, BAD!
Sunday’s scorcher saw another great pitching duel between Dice-K and C.J. Wilson. I gotta hand it to Dice-K, he pitched one helluva game when I thought he’d wilt by the 4th in the oppressive rising sun of Arlington in August. Sunday was also a bit of a reversal from Saturday night’s duel. This time, it was the Ranger’s CJ Wilson who did the out-dueling, with the Sox bullpen folding in the late innings.
I left the ballpark yesterday sweaty, happy, and probably mildly strokey.
Speaking of strokey:
One of the few benefits of risking heat-stroke in an August day game is the rampant lack of clothing on display by the fairer sex patrons at Rangers Ballbark:
* Multiple tanky-top wearing, flat-tummied, well-to-adequately cleavaged SWILFs baking their sweaty selves in the oppressive heat whilst hosing themselves down with mist bottles and mist fans.
* Several scantily clad original ILFs, of the young motherly sort, distracting me from the proceedings on the field.
* LILF night at the ballpark. Several drunken, scantily-clad Latinas generously displayed their assets during Saturday night’s contest. Muy bueno!
* A traffic directing PILF, of the gun-toting, badge carrying variety to and fro the stadium Saturday night. I was tempted to start a ruckus at the cross-walk with some hapless Bostonians just so she’d have to take me down.
Speaking of Boston fans, while your “LET’S GO RED SOX!” chants get annoying, I’ll take you folks at the ballpark any day over the obnoxious New Yorkers.
* For the sarcasm/humor-impaired, I’m only kidding. I don’t blame Jed for sitting out the rest of The Scorcher Series. I love Nolan Ryan but his down-playing of the eff!ing Texas heat is ludicrous.
Last night was awesome. Then suck. Then awesome. And finally: SUCK.
I’m freakin exhausted.
Through 6 innings, I was in Ranger-nerd Nirvana, basking in the awesomeness of Cliff Lee, and what looked to be a Grade A a$s-whoopin of the Bronx Bombers. A “statement” was being made until…
I don’t even remember the details, other than a Jeetah lead-off triple in the 7th, a wild-pitch…or was it a passed ball? Dunno, but suddenly it was 6-4. Then we go to the eighth, and Frank “let’s make it interesting” Francisco gives up a moon-shot to Marcus Thames, and we’re suddenly at 6-5. Frankie lucks out, getting Austin Kearns to ground into a double play to end the inning.
After pitching two innings the previous night, Neftali Feliz was out-o-gas. In the blink of an eye, we were tied, then the Yanks were up 7-6.
Bottom 9, a glimmer of hope. Elvis leads off with a triple against Mo Rivera…was a repeat of the previous night’s theatrics on tap? SURELY it was, with Elvis on 3rd with NO OUTS and Michael Young, Josh Hamilton, and Vladdy on deck and being pumped up by the Mighty Mouse theme song echoing throughout the halls.
Well, no. Three weak-a$s outs later, yours truly was skulking out to the parking lot, listening to obnoxious Yankee fans tell us all how many rings they have.
Welcome back to 1999, Ranger fans.
…and here’s a link to other links from my other favorite Rangers site, Lone Star Ball.
* Yet another reason I love The Cliff…he once again selected the BAPL Uni of Choice – The Home Whites.
* Phil Rizzuto jersey siting – While I certainly have competitive fan disdain for the Bombers, I do respect their success and tradition. At the concession stand, an older fella was sporting a Phil Rizzuto jersey…I complimented said jersey much to the fella’s delight.
Welcome to the first sentence you’ve probably read in this post. Nice to see you again.
* Aside from the cutettite little freckled brunette in the sun dress about three rows down, the FILFage in and around the BAPL VIP Seats was lacking to say the least. Mostly because this intrepid reporter was surrounded by Yankee fans of the obnoxious male persuasion. A disappointing night on all fronts, dear readers, my apologies.
(Yes, I just made up the word “cutettite”)
The Bostons are in town this weekend, hopefully the results and FILF matter will be of much better quality and abundance.
Nellie photo from the Fort Worth Star-Telegram.
You’d think at the ripe age of 45, I would sense the red flags after hearing this statement. But alas, when it comes to the game of baseball, I’m still a 15 year old kid susceptible to temptation.
Yes, I’m talking about my latest new addiction, Fantasy Baseball. Not only did my baseball crack dealer get me hooked on one league, he managed to hook me on two, and let me tell ya something, dear readers, it is some kind of hella-addicting.
Not only that, it has changed the way I watch the game. It’s not unlike the first time I watched “The Wall” whilst stoned outta my gourd.
Suddenly, I give a crap what Brad Hawpe of the Rockies is doing at the plate, that Torii Hunter just grounded into a double play, or that Matt Cain just gave up a game-tying triple. Aaron Hill pulled a hammie? Oh crap! Now I have a reason to give a shiite about the Blue Jays and am forced to learn that the D-Backs second baseman has a girl’s name.
My fandom loyalties are also being tested and pulled in all directions. While watching Scott Feldman pitch at Rangers Ballpark this week, I found myself secretly rooting against him because he was one of my fantasy opponent’s starting pitchers. Then again, Feldman is one of MY starting pitchers in the other fantasy league! GAHHH!!! Worst of all, I have Mariano Rivera as one of my closers in both fantasy leagues, so I’m now actually rooting for the Yankees when Mo is in a save sitch!
My advice, “Just Say No” to fantasy baseball, it will take over your life.
(I’m kidding, it effing rocks!)
Now please excuse me while I go knock off a liquor store so I can make my dues in the pay league.
Cartoon from here.
Now, dear readers, our 2010 aesthetic journey ends here, in the BAPL UAC’s home division, the much maligned AL West…the “Rodney Dangerfield” of MLB divisions if you will. But let’s face it folks, this bad rep is most certainly well earned, after all, has this division been anything but Angel fodder for the last ten years? Even the West’s perennial champs, save 2002, haven’t fared well in the post season, always knocking on the door, but never quite getting in.
The BAPL UAC has other issues with this division, namely that we want our beloved Texas Rangers the hell out of it. Why? The suckitude of the division isn’t the problem, after all, our woe-is-me franchise is a huge contributor to the Suckitude Arts of the West. No, it’s about time zones and away games on the dreaded left coast.
See, UAC council members don’t just restrict their devotion to the hallowed halls of Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, no, indeed, council-folk eyes want to be glued to all things Rangerdom on the road as well. This task is made extremely difficult by the incessant late night start times inherent with having all three of your team’s division two freakin time zones to the left of you.
The BAPL solution (which has repeatedly fallen upon deaf MLB ears)? Move our beloved Rangers to the AL Central, and move the Royals to the AL West. After all, does anyone besides Zack Grienke’s parents even watch the Royals anymore? Of course not.
On to our last aesthetics installment of 2010:
1. Seattle Mariners
Even though this “Northwest Green” looks suspiciously like the dread color teal, the M’s companion colors, UAC favorite Navy Blue, and the highlight color Metallic Silver complement it well. The Seattle unis, top to bottom, home whites to alts are hands down the most stylish and appealing in the AL West. Be warned though, Emerald City, should you, like your aesthetically retarded NFL franchise next door at Qwest Field EVER choose to adopt Crossing Guard Green as one of your colors, you will no doubt find yourselves condemned to UAC aestheitic hell for eternity.
Colors (Navy Blue, Northwest Green, Metallic Silver): A- (Again, this “Northwest Green” is suspect.)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Regionally relevant, looks great on the caps)
Team Logo: B+ (Again, regionally relevent and attractive)
Mascot: A+ (A high school classmate of mine once told me that the original name of the team was the Seattle “Red Mainers”, pronounced Marineers. I always thought this was BS and the vast knowledge base of the Intertubes has pretty much confirmed this today)
2. Texas Rangers
Our beloved Rangers took a huge hit last season when they introduced two aesthetic no-no’s into their otherwise perfect unis: 1) Instead of “Rangers” adorning the home whites, “Texas” now adorns the front of all Ranger Jerseys. 2) No-no number one was possibly forgivable, but no-no number two was a cardinal aesthetic sin: the introduction of the alternate reds.
These hideous eye sores were no doubt intended to take us back to the “glory days” of the late nineties, when red was the primary color of the team, a major aesthetic screw-up that began with the opening of the Ballpark in ’95. To the council, the reds just scream “We want to look like the Angels! Maybe that way, we can be successful like the Angels!” No, ugly unis are not the path to salvation. Competent ownership and management (workin on that) and perhaps a stadium with a retractable roof and air conditioning to combat the oppressive Texas heat are the path to October glory (second one just ain’t gonna happen).
Otherwise, we just love the Ranger unis, especially the away grays and alternate blues.
Colors (Blue, Red, White): A- (Slight penalty for the unorthodox use of red.)
Cap Insignia(s): A
(Excluding the red cap, it’s the best cap insig in franchise history)
Team Logo: A (Again, best in franchise history, especially since it doesn’t have a fking cowboy hat in it. I think every pro sports franchise except the Dallas Stars have had, at some point in their existence, a freaking cowboy hat in their logo. Needless to say, the UAC frowns upon this trite stereotype slapped on the very culturally diverse Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex.)
Mascot: B (Had the council grown up elsewhere, we might very well think “Rangers” is a stupid name, but it’s all we’ve ever known, and like the idiocy that is religion/belief in the supernatural, if that’s all you exposed to growing up, you tend to get used to it.)
3. Oakland Athletics
The A’s unis are a guilty pleasure for those of us on the UAC. Like Sarah Jessica Parker, we know they are fairly hideous at first glance, but they have a certain spunk about them that gives them some weird kind of fetishy appeal. Like Mrs. Jessica Parker, you might take ’em out to the barn for a naughty roll in the hay, but come prom night, you’d suddenly declare that you “need some space” (probably the same “space” occupied by the cute Asian chick in the Mariners jersey).
Colors (Green, Gold, White): B (The “gold” looks more yellow than anything..blech)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Timely and not horrible)
Team Logo: B (Not horrible, not fangasmic either)
Mascot: C+ (Meh)
4. Los Anaheim Angels
The pre-2002 Angels unis were slick. Post 2002? Not so much. As you’ve surely guessed, assuming you’ve read this whole series, it’s the freakin red. Too much red is hideous, period. Bring back the pre-2002 unis, PLEASE!
Colors (Red, Navy Blue, White): D- (Only the Navy Blue saves them form and F.)
Cap Insignia(s): C
Team Logo: C (Meh)
Mascot: B (As much as we despise the fairy tale origins of the mascot, it actually works for them)
Actual BAPL Predictions for the American League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:
1. Los Anaheim Angels of Los Californios (Will probably reign in the West as long as Scioscia is the skipper.)
2. Seattle Mariners (It may very well come down to the last couple of weeks, but the M’s will fall just short.)
3. Texas Rangers (Sadly, I think muh boys are in for a disappointing setback this year and I think they will be struggling just to stay out of the cellar. )
4. Oakland Athletics (Until this franchise gets the hell out of Oakland and joins the Sharks in San Jose, the best they will ever do is battle the Rangers for third in the west. )
Next up: Opening Freakin Day (OK, technically, “Opening Night”, here in about four hours, but that just feels wrong.)
Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.
Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.
Actually, I don’t even like the word “Atheist”. As I’m sure I’ve said before in one of my BAPL rants, the word is nothing more than a means for religious zealots to label and marginalize those who refuse to believe in Bronze Age fairy tales. I don’t believe in leprechauns either, yet no one has ever bothered to call me an Aleprechaunist.
Anyway, just because I don’t believe in Santa Claus, doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the relatively good life I’ve had, I just don’t pretend I’m indebted to some imaginary friend for my good fortune.
I am, however, grateful to many of my fellow humans, certain institutions, and certain ideals, so, dear readers, I give you the 1st Annual BAPL Tanky List:
Jonestein, and all of us here at Baseball, Apple Pie, and Lobster, i.e., Jonestein, would like to thank the following for making life bearable:
1. America’s pastime, the great game of baseball – Yeah, I know, all of you hoity-toity Europeans, contrary to popular American revisionist history, the game was not invented in the US. But as Dennis Miller once said to Chevy Chase re: SNL’s “Weekend Update”: “You may have given birth to it, but I raised it!”. See, despite my on-again, off-again “relationship” with professional sports throughout my 44 years, I always comeback to baseball first. I love going out to the ballpark, whether it’s Rangers Ballpark for MLB action, or LaGrave Field to watch the Fort Worth Cats. Nothing beats a day/evening at the ol’ ballpark.
2. Drunken “philosophy” and that wasted dude in the “Dublin Up” pub at Rangers Ballpark – Between innings at one of the Rangers/White Sox games this year, I was having a spittle-dodging discussion about the merits of the game with some drunk dude in a White Sox jersey, when this cogent gem somehow navigated it’s way around said dude’s drunken stupor: “Bayythheboll ith a chesst game withh asstletis..attleth…athleticism!.” Fortunately, having already consumed several pints of Smithwick’s Irish Ale myself, I was able to perform the Spittle-to-English translation: “Baseball is a chess game with athleticism.”
Since I also love the game of Chess, and since I definitely love having intellectually snotty-sounding phrases to launch at Neanderthal “Baseball is boring!” NFL fans, this tidbit of snooty wisdom has become a permanent fixture in the BAPL Lexicon and in my personal arsenal of talk-down-to-you sanctimony.
3. The Yankees, Red Sox, and Dodgers – As you probably know, the Red Sox are my numero-two-o team, for reasons explained in my bio and other BAPL posts. But the Yankees and Dodgers? Yes, despite my friendly fandom “hatred” of those two franchises, I appreciate the fact that they, along with the Boston’s, are popular enough to help fill the stands here in Arlington and in other “small market” cities. Like ’em or hate ’em, they put butts in the seats.
4. Jeff Lung and Allen Krause, aka “Red State/Blue State” on MLBlogs – Not gonna lie, I have a serious “blog crush” going on RSBS. Despite the fact that we are polar-freakin opposites on the political spectrum, I eagerly await each clever and witty post from these guys…they pretty much inspired me to start up this here blog. So blame them, not me.
5. Joss Whedon – Even though “Dollhouse” is hardly up to Whedonesque standards, Joss did give us 7 years of Buffy, 5 years of Angel, and most of all, the smothered-in-the-crib-by-FOX, best damn TV show ever: “Firefly”.
6. Aaron Burr – He was about 16 years too late, but who knows how much more Hamilton would have effed up the foundation of our constitutional republic if Burr hadn’t offed the Monarchist sh!thead in 1804.
8. Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, and many other prominent non-believers – These folks are leading charge against the mind-virus known as religion.
9. The Docs, Nurses, and Staff at Harris Methodist Southwest who saved my freakin life back in January – My older brother and a couple of my friends are giving me the Christian Snub because after they proudly took credit for my recovery via their “prayers”, I had to remind them that, while I definitely appreciated their thoughts and presence, it was actually the skilled doctors and modern medicine that saved me from the demonic pneumonia possessing my body, not their insane conversations with thin air.
10. My nephew, Neil, for NOT praying for me during last January’s ordeal – Neil (3 yrs my junior), had the courage to say “no thanks” to the well-meaning, but still delusional mob of family and friends who tried to guilt him into the hospital chapel. Instead, when it looked like I was a goner, he headed down to the pub and had a beer in my honor. THAT, I respect.
11. My buddy “Kootz”, aka “Jeff” – Co-Rangers season ticket holder and best-bud for twenty-five years now. Not to keep pity-baiting you with the “I almost died” thing, but Jeff was at the hospital every day during my month-long stay, and even sat and watched the Super Bowl with me in the ICU. He’s truly the “Wilson” to my abrasive and tactless “House”.
12. Did you really think I’d leave you off this list, Mrs. J? – Of course not…I saved the best for last. Mostest of all, I’m thankful for Jacque, aka “Mrs. J”. She’s my high school sweetheart, wife of 5+ years (we took a 20 year break from each other), love o’ my life, and “mother” to our brood of cats. Life would be pretty fking awful without her.
Ok, this list is beginning to sound like a suicide note, so I’ll leave the tanky list at a dozen tankies. Have a great Thanksgiving, no matter how you choose to celebrate it (or not, as the case may be).
Image shamelessly swiped from here.
So I’ve had a few days to reflect upon my July 4th weekend, a time of mixed emotions for me since my feline friend of 16.5 years, “Bill the Cat”, died on July fourth of last year. Despite this sad reminder, I did enjoy an outstanding weekend of baseball(Rangers swept Tampa), apple pie, and love of country.
Unfortunately, I was also subjected to numerous incidents of false, misguided patriotism. Even though these incidents annoyed the shiite out of me, I was going to abstain from posting an angry diatribe here on the Interwebs. Then I ran across this story. Several of my biggest soap-box “buttons”, dear readers, were subsequently pushed.
Seems that in August of 2008, this unfortunate fan at Yankee Stadium decided to go take a whiz during the 7th inning stretch singing of that annoyingly false anthem, “God Bless America”. Said Whizzer was ushered out of the stadium by the NYPD under the pretense of “drunk and disorderly conduct”. The man says he had two overpriced beers…one hour apart.
Now, I wouldn’t blink an eye if this story took place here in Jesusland(Texas), hell, I’m surprised the Jesus-Police haven’t already locked me up for my deliberate butt-planting at Rangers Ballpark during the 7th innning stretch. But [NASCAR Redneck Voice] Newww York City? [\NASCAR Redneck Voice] That bastion of Blue State, “progressive” thought? I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I did some additional reading-up on this, only to find out that the force-feeding of GBA was an ongoing issue at Old Yankee Stadium, and that stadium ushers used to chain up aisle barriers to prevent people from leaving their seat during “God Bless America”. Again, in Newww York City?!? No freakin way!
Then I had to remind myself that Newww York City is also the country’s petri dish of Nanny-State thought leading us down the basepath to, yes, I’m going to say it: a Police State. You scoff. I can hear you scoffing through the Interwebs, really. But think about this for a sec. A citizen of this “free” country was ejected from a baseball game because he was being “disrespectful to his country”. He failed to obediently stand during a fking song! The Jackboot who ejected the man pulled the “drunk and disorderly” card, which is Orwellian Police-State code for “Urinate on the Bill of Rights”. Fortunately, the man sued Newww York City and won.
ANYWAY, while I was surprisingly not jack-booted from Rangers Ballpark this weekend, I was subjected to our ballpark PA announcer’s guilt-baiting preamble to the singing of GBA…he always says something to the tune of “To honor our men and women serving in the armed forces around the world, please stand as [some twit] honors America with the singing of God Bless America”. In other words, if you do not stand and swell with pride during the singing of this First Amendment-obliterating song, then Yeww don’t support arr troops and yeww ain’t no ‘merican an yeww kin jes gitchyer ace ow’chere!!
Wrong. I honor America and our service folks by keeping my rather large buttocks planted firmly in my undersized, maximum attendance-designed seat. “But why?”, you ask with incredulous indignance. Simple. What the hell are the members of our armed services (alledgedly)fighting for, or more accurately, against? They are fighting against this exact form of false patriotism, a.k.a. Islamacism, a.k.a. Theocracy, a.k.a. Marriage of Church and State.
How do we combat this domestically? Easy. Start with the Separation of Church and Baseball. Keep your hiny planted during “God Bless America” at your respective ballparks.
And to all you Jack-Booted, Jeebus-Loving, Theocratic “Patriots”, know this: I refuse to embarass myself by believing in Bronze Age fairy-tales and mindlessly standing during a very un-patriotic song…yet I still bleed red, white, and blue. Imagine that.
End of angry diatribe.
I finally got around to offloading a few pics I’ve taken at Rangers Ballpark the first half of this season, here they are:
A friend of mine invited me to his company shindig in one of the luxury boxes they rented for the 6/29/09 LA Angels 5 Rangers 2 game. This picture from my phone doesn’t do the seats justice, they were primo. We also had an air conditioned suite with free food…it was nice. Yes, it was a pitiful crowd for a game against the Angels. Just business as usual in Dallas/Fort Worth: Rangers tanking at midseason, so all attention is turning to the yearly soap opera that is Dallas Cowboys training camp. Rangers GM Jon Daniels was in the box to our right…I should have asked him to trade himself to Boston for Theo, but I’m sure I would have gotten an unpleasant visit from Ballpark Security.
And speaking of, here’s a pic of me at the ballpark with the new Cowboys Stadium to the southwest…it’s actually closer than it looks, and it is freakin HUGE! (Note: if Jerry Jones had a modicum of class, he’d name it Landry Stadium, after our late, great coach Tom Landry. But I’m sure he’ll make a deal with some corporate ****** and plaster their name all over it. GRRR.) [EDIT]: that word mlblogs has censored out rhymes with dewsh:
Yeah, should’ve used the flash, just too lazy to figure out how to turn it on.
Me, sporting my Red Sox garb at one of the Rangers/Yankees games. I was actually trying to smile, it just looks like a fake one.
View from my “squatter seat” during one of the Dodger/Ranger games. I usually try to sneak down to this seat about the 3rd or 4th innning, it’s freaking sweet.
Me and my scraggly beard at the May 12 Mariners/Rangers game…back when the Rangers were once again teasing us with the hope of a successful season.
Above and to the left of the visiting team’s bulllpen way before the game, in this case it was the Dodgers…and a sellout. Yes, that is a Red Sox necklace around my fat neck.
Well, that’s it, didn’t have as many pics as I thought plus, it’s time for me to head out to the Ballpark and watch the Rangers
fall to the Angels again… two one and a half games back and plummeting. After tonight, we’ll likely be tied with Seattle for 2nd in the AL West. Argh.
[EDIT] Snapped a few more from last night’s unexpected 9-5 win over Los Angels of Anaheim(don’t you just hate it when people bore you with their home movies?):
A few of Lucki Lori’s Angels warming up.
Torii Hunter steps to the plate.
I pray to the Baseball Gods that Torii doesn’t get a hit. He hits a double. This is why I’m an Atheist.
This is my “Oh crap, C.J. Wilson is coming in to pitch, please don’t blow it” – expression. C.J. got us out of the 8th, but gave up 2 runs in the 9th…just to make it interesting.