Epiphanies can be a wonderful experience. You know, those “ah-ha” moments of perceptive clarity when you suddenly “get it”. As a kid, it may be that moment when you’re standing at the plate and you finally recognize the spin of that nasty curve ball the little sh!t on the mound has been using to strike you out all day. You get that grin on your face, cock your bat, kick your leg, then still flail at it like you’re waving a NASCAR checkered flag. Indeed, maybe you’d be better off writing about baseball than playing baseball.
Or maybe, as a teen, it’s that embarrassing moment when you realize that Dawn Jamison from across the street didn’t come up to your room to see your Al Oliver rookie baseball card after all, and it hits you the next day with profound clarity, “OF COURSE she didn’t want to see my Al Oliver rookie card, she wanted to see my Fergie Jenkins card!”
As you get into your twenties, you may start having political epiphanies, especially if you participate in the Progressive-Collectivist indoctrination process known as “College” (or as you Brit readers say, “University”…that is so friggin gay) The feeding-from-the-taxpayer-trough professors fill your young mind with Keynesian wealth redistribution economics(how convenient for them), cross-discipline, create-a-crisis enviro-science, and of course, Progressive History 101 – All White Males are Evil Incarnate, the sum total of which leads you to the inevitable conclusion that you are a Democrat and that Republicans suck a$s.
Of course, the political epiphanies may change as you hit your thirties. If you majored in something marketable and start actually making a little money, you tend to want to keep that money and suddenly another epiphany hits – all of that feel-good Keynesian nonsense fed to you by your fiery, state-employed professor is nothing but a bunch of Robin Hoodesque bullsh!t…the only difference is that the smiling Progressive Democrat or Folksy Republican you fawned over and voted for isn’t stealing from “the rich”, he/she is “the rich” and is stealing from you, Joe Middle-Class! Thus spawns the epiphany that there’s really only ONE political party in this country, but they’ve brilliantly managed to keep up the facade of a two-party system in order to fool the people into thinking their vote counts for something, when in reality, the ruling class is merely taking turns p!ssing away our coerced tax dollars!
*takes blood-pressure meds*
But I digress. Today I had another epiphany, it was the epiphany that my life is one giant string of epiphanies, and that said epiphanies just get progressively worse, constantly reminding me that I’m getting old.
Here are some of the ones you may recognize (or will eventually recognize, for you young farts/fartesses out there):
1. The “Sir/Ma’am” Epiphany.
This one is pretty cliché, but inevitable nonetheless. It usually strikes shortly after your thirtieth birthday when you are addressed as “Sir” or “Ma’am” by someone younger than you. Your first reaction is usually something like “WTF did you just call me, kid?”, which spawns the add-on I-might-be-getting-old epiphany of “I just called that 21 year-old college kid ‘kid’!” This one is dangerously recursive and might drive you insane if you don’t discover the recursive epiphany termination statement of “21 year-old college student“. No wonder the Powers-That-Be in Logan’s Run chose 30 as the Friday Night Fireworks age.
2. The “Hollywood Regurgitation” Epiphany
I always wondered why my mom and step-dad never went to the movies after they hit their mid-fifties. Now I know – all the stories have been told, and I’m just now arriving at my mid-forties. Hollywood continues to tell the same stories, they just repackage each one with better special effects and a seemingly endless stream of attractiveness-to-talent inverse ratio “hottest young stars”. I had this epiphany a couple of weeks ago when I went to see “Legion“. It didn’t take long to realize I had been sucked into yet another zombie flick disguised as yet another Armageddon flick disguised as a fairly cool-looking pseudo-biblical flick (I was wondering why there were so many cars in the parking lot displaying that idiotic Christian “fish” magnet on their trunks). Anyway, let me save you the 10 dollar ticket and 40 dollars worth of artery-clogging concessions: go rent “Shaun of the Dead”, it’s the only zombie movie you’ll ever need to see.
3. The “That Hip Adjective Sounds Stupid to Me” Epiphany.
This one took a while for me. “Cool” was the first one I remember growing up, it was ok because, well, I was young and old people were old. Then somewhere along the line, everything was suddenly “awesome”, but I’m cool, so I rolled with it. Mixed in there somewhere was “excellent”, which was the first one that had a tinge of awkwardness, but The Simpsons saved that one for me because saying it like Montgomery Burns just feels right for some reason. But I knew it had to end, and end it did with the recent rise of the catch-adjective “epic”. My youngest nephew loves this one, and he regularly reminds me that many things are “epic”, like the latest album from “Nickelback” (“album”, you say? WTF is THAT, old dude?), or “Ninja Assassin” is “most epic” (uh-oh, variation), to which I try to be hip and agree, even though I have no idea what “Nickelback” or “Ninja Assassin” might be. I keep waiting for him to inform me that Legion was “epic”.
4. The “Religion/Supernatural Cognitive Dissonance” Epiphany.
The path to this one varies, and may not occur at all, depending on how you were raised, how much of the kool-aid you’ve consumed, and how obstinate you are. For me, it was a three stage process:
Stage One: Yeah, some kind of God exists, mainly because I live in Texas and that’s all I’ve ever been taught.
Stage Two: (An epiphany in itself) There definitely IS a God because apparently, I’m susceptible to logical fallacies! Hallelujah! Praise-UH Jayyyysuss-UH! Republicans Rock!
Stage Three: (After several thorough readings and studies of “The Bible”) “Holy F**k! What a bunch of contradictory, control-the-ignorant-masses bunch of garbage! How did I EVER believe this sh!t?!? In fact, why the hell would I believe in anything supernatural when there is absolutely no credible evidence for any of it?!? What sort of insane cognitive dissonance was I engaged in? Holy Christ, I’m getting OLD…I just said cognitive dissonance!!!”
5. The “Major League Baseball Players are really just in it for the MONEY” Epiphany.
HA! Liar! No they’re not!! Our heroes play the game for the love of the game, you blasphemous fktard! Shut the hell up! I SAID SHUT UP!!!!
Long live cognitive dissonance.
On this Holiest of Holy days, be sure to share the following with your delusional friends afflicted with the mind-virus known as “Religion”:
1. The Bible is fiction, and not even good fiction…unless you enjoy mysogynistic, homophobic, capricious genocidal snuff pulp fiction.
2. Jesus was not the son of “God”, and probably never even existed (and please, spare me the Lee Strobel recommendations, I’ve read his laugh-out-loud garbage before, it wasn’t the slightest bit convincing or for that matter, intellectually honest). However, if Jesus did exist, he would surely hate the Cubs.
3. There is no supernatural sky-daddy who created the universe and keeps track of, nor cares, how many times you pause “Transformers” to rub one off watching Megan Fox look slutty.
4. Christianity is the bad sequel to Judaism, and Islam is the exceedingly worse sequel that should have gone straight to DVD.
5. Mormonism is one of the many wacky spin-offs of Christianity that should have been cancelled after the first episode.
6. Scientology was a very lucrative practical joke initiated by L. Ron Hubbard to demonstrate how people will enthusiastically hemorrage money to you and believe fking ANYTHING. The only reason it hasn’t eclipsed the Abrahamic Trilogy of Myths (and spin-offs) is that it hasn’t had 2000+ years to fester and spread.
7. The rest of them are just as silly, ridiculous, improbable, and not worthy of the clever, acidic wit it would take to properly blaspheme them.
MLBlogs Bonus – “The Angels” are not the winged minions of “God”, they are a Major League Baseball team out of Anaheim, CA, who suffer from a perpetual identity crisis
and the inability to smite the Boston Red Sox in the ALDS.
Note – Not that anyone gives a sh!t, but BAPL shall be silent until next week as I trek up to The People’s Republic of Taxachusetts tomorrow to watch the Red Sox play a meaningless game against the Injuns at Fenway. BAPL shall reopen Monday morning, assuming my return flight doesn’t get jacked by Al Queda suicide a$s bombers.
This is becoming redundant: they give me hope, they take it away. They give me hope, they drop two to the fking Baltimore Orioles. Another chance this weekend to gain on the BoSox and Los Angels, and it gets blown…Rangers still lingering 3 games back in the AL Wild Card, 5 back in the AL West. Both the teams the Rangers are chasing have been slumping of late, and do we take advantage? Of course not. <insert vulgar tirade here>
I don’t really have any specifics to point to re: this weekend’s utterly shameful series loss to the utterly bad Orioles. No specific Ron Washington managerial flub, just crappy baseball all around. Derek Holland has gotten the crap kicked out of him his last two starts and the mighty Ranger bats have gone silent. Yeah, yeah, no Michael Young or Josh Hamilton, but so what? Los Anaheim did just fine without His Toriiness and Vlad the Ranger Impaler…a contender should be able to weather the storm when a few of their stars go down.
So I don’t know what to say about muh boys…everytime I think they’re sunk, they manage to stay afloat. But just staying afloat ain’t gonna cut it because we’re kinda running out of games. Whatever…the playoff package I just purchased won’t go completely to waste since it’ll apply to my 2010 season ticks.
A Word on the Yankees-Red Sox Yom Kapput Nonsense
Plenty has already been written about the idiotic time change of the Sept 27th game between the Evil Empire and the Beantowners to accomodate some idiotic ritual observed by a bunch of delusional morons. Needless to say, I think it’s fking ridiculous. If the whole purpose of your stupid ritual is to show your imaginary friend what sacrifices you’re willing to make in his/her/it’s name (or whatever the fk these morons are doing), why not show your commitment by just missing the frickin baseball game? Won’t your capricious sky-daddy be doubly delighted at the double sacrifice you’re making?
Oh nooo, instead, let’s do what all hypocritical religilous types do: find a loophole and/or exercise mind-boggling mental gymnastics to justify your “sin”-dodging, hypocritical behavior. Do I really give a flip what time the game comes on? No. But as in politics, intrusive religious delusion has no place in baseball.
(Note on the photo portion of the image above: I’ve seen idiot christians on Facebook swoon over how the sunlight forms a cross in between the former WTC towers, as if to say Jeebus was watching over the unfortunate victims of 9/11. Really? Are you fking kidding me? Are you really THAT delusional and logic-impaired? Do I have to spell out how morbidly insane that thought is? Oh, wait, let me guess…it was all part of god’s “plan”. Morons.)
First off, please excuse the word-mangled title, after all, I do live in “Dubya” country, where we have the highest rate of suicide amongst English professors than anywhere else in the nation.
Second off, if you are of the religilous persuasion, i.e. one who enjoys closing their eyes and talking to imaginary friends, you might want to move on because I will probably insult your delicate, superstitiationous sensibilities in this post, given the subject matter. S’okay, the rest of us will be courteous and let you leave the room without ridicule.
*waits, hums a catchy tune*
M’kay, onward and forwardlike.
As many of you know, I’m not one to lend a shred of credibility to insanely popular myths, the paranormal, or silly superstitions. However, I do occasionally enjoy the ever-so-fun category of Baseball Superstitions, namely the one that suggests that my thoughts, actions, and opinions directly effect the success or failure of the Texas Rangers baseball club.
See, being the optimistic pessimist that I am, I have the utmost confidence that if I dare to praise my team for their efforts, they will surely fail. The corollary, natch, is that the more I forecast gloom-and-doom here in Rangers (Stag)Nation, the more they will…HA! Thought you had me there, didn’t you Gods O’ Baseball?!? Well, you know what they say, “Fool me once, shame on….”
Which is why you never see blog entries from me saying enthusiastic things like “Rangers Sweep Red Sox”, “Kinsler Closes HR Bookend With Walk-Off Against Twins”, or “Rangers End ’09 Tigger Curse”. No, dear readers, only a Rangers victory in The Event That Shall Go Unnamed will bring true optimism to this here blog.
Shhh! I can already hear the Ranger bats going silent for tonight’s game against Detroit.
Image tithe from here.