Tagged: Royals

2011 BAPL Crystal Ball

crystal2.jpegHere’s your highly anticipated BAPL predictions for the 2011 season:

AL East
Red Sox, Rays, Blue Jays, Yankers, Orioles

– Unless the Baseball Gods cast another injury spell upon Boston, the Red Sox should easily conquer the mighty AL East.  The Rays won’t suffer from their off-season roster exodus as much as everyone thinks, but will still fall short.  Toronto will have a great year, but unfortunately, they live in AL East.  The Yanks will take a hard fall this year and heads will roll in The Bronx.  Buck will make the Orioles respectable, but the birds in this division would all be better off if they flew west.

AL Central
White Sox, Twinkies(WC), Tigers, Royals, Injuns

–  With the Red Sox taking the East, the Year of the Sock Drawer will continue in the Central with Ozzie leading the South-Siders to a narrow division title over the Twinks…it will probably come down to another last day/tie-breaker in September, but the White Sox will prevail and Minnesota will claim the AL Wild Card.  The Tigers will hang in there, but ultimately fade by September.  The Royals could probably win the division if they’d DFA 90% of their big league club and call up their loaded farm system.  Cleveland is, well, Cleveland, though I’m looking forward to seeing a full season of Carlos Santana behind the plate.

AL West
Rangers, A’s, Los Anaheim, Mariners

– I’m probably being a homer by picking my Rangers here but honestly, after a miserable spring training, I’m not exactly brimming with confidence.  As usual, the pitching sitch is not looking very promising.  But I had my doubts last year and 2010 ended up being the most successful year in franchise history…they should take the West, but it won’t be easy…or pretty.  If the Rangers don’t take it, then I’m pretty sure the Oaklanders will.  The A’s pitching staff is top notch and they made some off-season improvements at the plate, so it’ll be close.  Los Anaheim may surprise us all and just kick the living sh!t out of Texas and Oakland.  They’ve got the starting pitching and a great skipper for sure, but lots o’ questions on offense and in the bullpen.  Seattle is a great city (Mrs. Jonestein and I honeymooned there) and I hear Safeco is an awesome ballpark….they also have Ichiro and King Felix.   *awkward silence*

NL East
Bravos, Phillies(WC), Fish, Natinals, Mets

R2C2 will be really good for the Phillies, but only good enough for the NL Wild Card, as the Braves surprise everyone by taking the East.  Josh Johnson will win the NL Cy Young and the Fish will stay in it till the end, just coming up short.  The Natinals will finally work their way out of the cellar, which will have a new tenant this year, the woeful New York Mets.

NL Central
Reds, Brew Crew, Cards, ‘Stros, Cubbies, Pirates

This will be one of the tightest races in baseball, with the Reds prevailing over the Brew Crew and Red Birds late in September.  The Astros will make another late season charge, but fizzle.  The Cubs will stay out of the cellar only because it is perpetually occupied by the AAAA Pittsburgh Pirates, who will continue to audition Andrew McCutchen for his eventual ascension to a big league club.

NL West
Giants, Rocks, Padres, Dodgers,  D-Backs

The defending champion Giants will once again claim the NL West, but have to scrap it out with the Rockies late in September.  The Padres may challenge again, but I doubt it.  The Dodgers ownership soap opera will continue to help stifle this otherwise decent club, and Arizona will continue to be a great place for Spring Training.

World Series: Phillies over Red Sox in 6

Happy Opening Day Eve!

–Jonestein

Loyalties

mlb_blog_sig.JPG

Folks at work often stop by and comment on all of the Texas Rangers/Dallas Stars junk cluttering up my cubicle.  They see my Houston Astros season schedule and probably think “Oh, that’s understandable, they’re a Texas team.” (I actually lived in Houston twice during my life, so my support of the Astros comes naturally…Summer of 1980 = AWESOME!)

Then they notice I also have a couple of Boston Red Sox trinkets adorning my geeky cubicle (geekible?), and more than once I’ve been schooled on this (apparently) unwritten rule:

“You can’t root for two teams in the same league!”

I’ve also seen this rule cited on many a baseball site, and I’ve never understood why it exists.  I can only assume it is a result of narrow minded, absolute thinking, so I suppose I should explain my fandom rationale/methodology:

First of all, when push comes to shove, I am only a “fan” of one MLB team, and that team is the Texas Rangers.  In other words, if someone has a gun to my head (this IS Texas) and tells me I have to choose one and only ONE team to root for, there is absolutely no hesitation in my response: “Whichever team Jessica Alba roots for…”.  But seriously, I’m only a fan of the Rangers.

However, at a more meta-level, I’m a fan of baseball in general, so naturally, there’s a darn good chance that I’m going to follow and “support” other teams outside the realm of Rangerdom.  The Astros are easily my NL team, because of proximity and my aforementioned tenures of residency in Houston.  Do I follow them with the same fervor and attention I give the Rangers?  No, but I always keep an eye on the goings-on down yonder.  Sadly, those goings-on have not been pretty the last few years and I don’t see much hope on the horizon.

So how do I justify my support for the Red Sox?  This just HAS to conflict with my Ranger fandom, right?  Wrong, but I’ll get to the actual fandom rationale here in a sec.  First, the obvious question: “Why the Red Sox?”  Back in 2000, while on a bidness trip to Boston, I naturally took in a game at Fenway Park, and instantly fell in love with the place.  The baseball atmosphere was incredible, so I’ve been a Red Sox supporter ever since.  I even returned there back in October of 2009 (the atmosphere wasn’t near as exciting, but it was just a meaningless end-of-regular-season game against Cleveland).

Anyway, on to my fandom methodology, or how I avoid conflicting American League baseball loyalties:

1. Head-to-head.  I always root for the Rangers when they play the Red Sox, unless the Rangers are so hopelessly out of the playoff picture and the head-to-head game is a “must win” for the Red Sox.  Even then, I’m hesitant.

2. AL Wild Card Race.  No brainer here.  If the Rangers and Red Sox are neck-and-neck in the race for the AL Wild Card spot, then I’m full-throttle Rangers.  No conflict here.

3. Someone in the AL East has to win the AL East.  This is unavoidable.  So I root for the Red Sox to win the AL East because I like ’em and they are not the MF Yankees.  I see no harm in this.

4. Post-season Baseball.  Until 2010, the words “Post-season” and “Rangers” hadn’t really been mentioned in the same sentence since the mid-to-late nineties, and I like to have someone to root for in the playoffs.  The last ten years, the Red Sox have pretty much been there, so I’ve rooted for them.

So I guess you could say I’m a conditional supporter of the Red Sox, and while this still probably breaks the silly One Team Per League unwritten rule, ultimately, I don’t really give a shiite…I’ll root for whatever team I want to root for.  :^P

I hope that clears things up.

Cheers,

-Jonestein

The BAPL Hate List

lovehate.jpgSo I’m perusing the MLB page on ESPN.com and I run across this article:

Report says Indians most-hated team

…which is contrary to everything I was brought up to believe in the Teams-I’m-Supposed-to-Hate Department.

Naturally, this inspired me to write something, seeing as how it meshes two things I love:

1) “Hating” things.

2) Writing lists of things I hate.

Now, a quick disclaimer before I get the hate train a rollin’ – I don’t really “hate” anyone, at least in the watch-them-suffer-and-die meaning of the word.  Yeah, I rail on religion and leftist politics and politicians, but I would never seriously do or wish harm on anyone (yeah, yeah, I’ve blustered about wishing a quick and expedient expiration for certain politicians and religilous figures, but that was just blowing off steam)Truth be known, I’m actually just a big cuddly teddy bear.

Anyway, when it comes to “hating” sports teams, it’s the fun, rival kind of hate.  Yeah I may have some serious problems with some of the actions of certain teams and players, but there exists no true hate.  So please don’t take it personally if your team shows up on my Hatedar, it’s all in good fandom fun. 

Now that all of that preamble filler is on the table, here we go:

BAPL Top Hated MLB Teams

1. New York Yankees
From a fiscal, Capitalist, money-making mo-fo perspective, I love these guys.  But they are the Yankees, and as I stated in a previous blog, I’m genetically predisposed to despise Yankees, given my southern roots.  Also, from a fandom perspective, the Yanks are like that bully in school that always picked on you.  Not only could he beat your a$s, no matter how hard you’d fight back, he also just happened to be a filthy rich bully who would beat your a$s then drive off in the BMW mommy and daddy bought for him.

2. Los Anaheim Angeles of Los Californias de Leftiste Coastas
They are the Yankees of the AL West with their deep pockets, always bullying my Rangers.  Plus, they reside in the People’s Republic of Kalifornia.  Plus, they can’t make up their mind what to call themselves.  Plus, their uniforms are ugly.  Plus, Vladimir Guerro is a…wait, he’s one of us now, never mind.

3. Washington Natinals
This is pure hate by proximity.  I hate Washington D.C. and our bloated, overreaching, liberty snuffing federal government.  The Nats, well, I liked ’em just fine when they were playing in front of the dozens of Expos fans back in Montreal.
(Side note: Needless to say, I’m f**king giddy that the Habs knocked out the Caps in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs!  <Nelson> NYA-HA! </Nelson>)

4. Cincinnati Reds
I hate their colors and uniforms, otherwise, they barely even exist in my baseball world.
*Update 4/30/10* – I just signed Mike Leake to my fantasy team, so the Reds, for now, exist a little bit more in my baseball world.  Mr. Leake could potentially help remove his team from this list if he starts getting me some lucrative points the rest of the season.

5. Toronto Blue Jays
I have no idea why I hate this team, other than their ugly-as-hell powder blue throwback unis.

6. Kansas City Royals
Back in the early 80’s, when they were in the AL West, the Royals were always knocking the Rangers out of contention and I’ve hated ’em ever since.  Now I just hate them because they suck and they’re wasting Zack Greinke’s best years because of said suckitude.

7. Detroit Tigers
Because they have the Rangers number for some weird reason and they are Allen Krause’s favorite team.  ;^)

8. Baltimore Orioles
Another aesthetically rooted hate.  Their unis and team colors are hideous.  Plus, seeing Jim Palmer’s alien-like bronze skin on TV during the ’79 World Series traumatized me as a kid.

9. Oakland A’s
Because when Los Anaheim isn’t hogging the AL West crowns, these guys are.

10. Florida Marlins/Arizona Diamondbacks/Colorado Rockies/Tampa Bay Rays
This is pure petty hate, I actually like all of these clubs, especially the Rays and Rockies.  I’m just bitter that these recent (to 45 year old me) expansion teams have managed to come into the league and make it to the World Series whilst my Rangers haven’t even won a damn ALDS series.  *grumble*

Happy Hate Day!

–Jonestein 

Image from here.

2010 BAPL UAC Predictions – AL West

Now, dear readers, our 2010 aesthetic journey ends here, in the BAPL UAC’s home division, the much maligned AL West…the “Rodney Dangerfield” of MLB divisions if you will.  But let’s face it folks, this bad rep is most certainly well earned, after all, has this division been anything but Angel fodder for the last ten years?  Even the West’s perennial champs, save 2002, haven’t fared well in the post season, always knocking on the door, but never quite getting in.

The BAPL UAC has other issues with this division, namely that we want our beloved Texas Rangers the hell out of it.  Why?  The suckitude of the division isn’t the problem, after all, our woe-is-me franchise is a huge contributor to the Suckitude Arts of the West.  No, it’s about time zones and away games on the dreaded left coast.

See, UAC council members don’t just restrict their devotion to the hallowed halls of Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, no, indeed, council-folk eyes want to be glued to all things Rangerdom on the road as well.  This task is made extremely difficult by the incessant late night start times inherent with having all three of your team’s division two freakin time zones to the left of you.

The BAPL solution (which has repeatedly fallen upon deaf MLB ears)?  Move our beloved Rangers to the AL Central, and move the Royals to the AL West.  After all, does anyone besides Zack Grienke’s parents even watch the Royals anymore?  Of course not.

On to our last aesthetics installment of 2010:   

1. Seattle Mariners 275px-ALW-Uniform-SEA.PNG
Even though this “Northwest Green” looks suspiciously like the dread color teal, the M’s companion colors, UAC favorite Navy Blue, and the highlight color Metallic Silver complement it well.  The Seattle unis, top to bottom, home whites to alts are hands down the most stylish and appealing in the AL West.  Be warned though, Emerald City, should you, like your aesthetically retarded NFL franchise next door at Qwest Field EVER choose to adopt Crossing Guard Green as one of your colors, you will no doubt find yourselves condemned to UAC aestheitic hell for eternity.

Colors (Navy Blue, Northwest Green, Metallic Silver): A-  (Again, this “Northwest Green” is suspect.)
Cap Insignia(s): B 
(
Regionally relevant, looks great on the caps)
Team Logo: B+
(
Again, regionally relevent and attractive)
Mascot: A+ 
(A high school classmate of mine once told me that the original name of the team was the Seattle “Red Mainers”, pronounced Marineers.  I always thought this was BS and the vast knowledge base of the Intertubes has pretty much confirmed this today)

2. Texas Rangers 275px-ALW-Uniform-TEX.PNG
Our beloved Rangers took a huge hit last season when they introduced two aesthetic no-no’s into their otherwise perfect unis:  1) Instead of “Rangers” adorning the home whites, “Texas” now adorns the front of all Ranger Jerseys.  2) No-no number one was possibly forgivable, but no-no number two was a cardinal aesthetic sin: the introduction of the alternate reds. 

These hideous eye sores were no doubt intended to take us back to the “glory days” of the late nineties, when red was the primary color of the team, a major aesthetic screw-up that began with the opening of the Ballpark in ’95.  To the council, the reds just scream “We want to look like the Angels!  Maybe that way, we can be successful like the Angels!”  No, ugly unis are not the path to salvation.  Competent ownership and management (workin on that) and perhaps a stadium with a retractable roof and air conditioning to combat the oppressive Texas heat are the path to October glory (second one just ain’t gonna happen).

Otherwise, we just love the Ranger unis, especially the away grays and alternate blues.

Colors (Blue, Red, White): A-  (Slight penalty for the unorthodox use of red.)
Cap Insignia(s): A 
(
Excluding the red cap, it’s the best cap insig in franchise history)
Team Logo: A
(
Again, best in franchise history, especially since it doesn’t have a fking cowboy hat in it.  I think every pro sports franchise except the Dallas Stars have had, at some point in their existence, a freaking cowboy hat in their logo.  Needless to say, the UAC frowns upon this trite stereotype slapped on the very culturally diverse Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex.)
Mascot: B
(Had the council grown up elsewhere, we might very well think “Rangers” is a stupid name, but it’s all we’ve ever known, and like the idiocy that is religion/belief in the supernatural, if that’s all you exposed to growing up, you tend to get used to it.)

3. Oakland Athletics 275px-ALW-Uniform-OAK.PNG 
The A’s unis are a guilty pleasure for those of us on the UAC. Like Sarah Jessica Parker, we know they are fairly hideous at first glance, but they have a certain spunk about them that gives them some weird kind of fetishy appeal.  Like Mrs. Jessica Parker, you might take ’em out to the barn for a naughty roll in the hay, but come prom night, you’d suddenly declare that you “need some space” (probably the same “space” occupied by the cute Asian chick in the Mariners jersey).

Colors (Green, Gold, White): B  (The “gold” looks more yellow than anything..blech)
Cap Insignia(s): B 
(
Timely and not horrible)
Team Logo: B
(
Not horrible, not fangasmic either)
Mascot: C+  (
Meh)

4. Los Anaheim Angels 275px-ALW-Uniform-LAA.PNG
The pre-2002 Angels unis were slick.  Post 2002?  Not so much.  As you’ve surely guessed, assuming you’ve read this whole series, it’s the freakin red.  Too much red is hideous, period.  Bring back the pre-2002 unis, PLEASE!

Colors (Red, Navy Blue, White): D-  (Only the Navy Blue saves them form and F.)
Cap Insignia(s): C 
(
Meh)
Team Logo: C
(
Meh)
Mascot: B (
As much as we despise the fairy tale origins of the mascot, it actually works for them)

Actual BAPL Predictions for the American League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:

AL West
1. Los Anaheim Angels of Los Californios (Will probably reign in the West as long as Scioscia is the skipper.) 
2. Seattle Mariners (It may very well come down to the last couple of weeks, but the M’s will fall just short.)
3. Texas Rangers
(Sadly, I think muh boys are in for a disappointing setback this year and I think they will be struggling just to stay out of the cellar. )
4. Oakland Athletics (Until this franchise gets the hell out of Oakland and joins the Sharks in San Jose, the best they will ever do is battle the Rangers for third in the west. )

Next up: Opening Freakin Day (OK, technically, “Opening Night”, here in about four hours, but that just feels wrong.)

–Jonestein

Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.

Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.
  

2010 BAPL UAC Predictions – AL Central

Previously, on Law & Order: Uniform Aesthetics Division

*doink-doink*

During Monday’s episode, the BAPL UAD investigated Powdah-Blew gang activity in the AL East.

Tuesday found the unit trolling the dangerous aesthetic ghetto of the NL East.

Today, BAPL investigators venture into the AL Central, home to the frozen tundra of Minnesota, the frozen ideological wastelands of Kansas/Missouri, the mean streets of Chicago, and the empty streets of Cleveland and Detroit:

1. Cleveland Indians  MLB_Uni_CLE.PNG
Aside from the hella bad-a$s NBA Cleveland Cavaliers and their soon to be get-the-hell-outta-this-miserable-city forward LeBron James, about the only thing Cleveland sports fandom has going for it is the BAPL UAC Approved®
unis of the otherwise pathetic Cleveland Indians baseball club.  The
home whites and away grays sport the perfectly proportioned combination
of navy blue and red.  The cream colored alternates induce immediate,
multiple aesthetic fangasms, as do the road alts and their liberal use
of UAC perennial favorite color Navy Blue.

Most of all, the UAC adores those gutsy caps sporting the über-politically incorrect Indian with the sh!t-eatin’ grin on his face.  Every year during the off-season, the BAPL UAC charters a bus for a weekend casino run up to
Oklahoma.  Now, while no self-respecting UAC member would ever claim to be
an Indians fan, all UAC members enjoy donning said sh!t-eatin’ grin cap when entering the WinStar Casino of the Chickasaw Nation
Numerous council members have confirmed that the logo depiction is
incredibly accurate, based on numerous face-to-face encounters with
Chickasaw blackjack dealers.  Many a council member has noted the
increased intensity of the Chickasaw grin in proportion to council
member inebriation levels and subsequent hemorrhaging of Chickasaw
casino chips.

Colors (Navy Blue, Red, White): A+ (Great colors, wisely proportioned.)
Cap Insignia(s): A- (Very minor penalty for the use of the “C” and “I” alternate caps.  Sh!t-eatin’ grin Chickasaw should be the only cap in use.)
Team Logo: A+ (The cigar-puffing, blustering pale-face who conceived this Injun logo really knocked the moccasins off the reservation.)
Mascot: A+ 
(How this wonderful mascot has survived the modern-day political correctness  gestapo is beyond me.  Long live Chief Wahoo!)
  

2.
Minnesota Twins MLB_Uni_MIN.PNG
The
only problem the council could find with the Twinks uniforms were that
of the alternate sleeveless jersey, a clear violation of UAC Code 86A – Sleeveless Jerseys Look Silly.  Otherwise, all 2010 Twinkie uniforms were found pleasant to the eye, especially that of Joe Mauer, 2009 AL MVP who, coincidentally, anchors the UAC Chair’s fantasy baseball team, and not RSBS Co-Chair Jeff Lung’s fantasy team.

Colors (Navy Blue, Red, White): A+ (Like the Injuns, great colors, wisely proportioned.)
Cap Insignia(s): B- (The council likes the Too Cold” insignia, but finds the “M” insignia unnecessary.)
Team Logo: B (Nicely designed and recognizable, but not fangasm-worthy)
Mascot: C+ 
(Regionally relevant, but falls into that “let’s not offend anyone” category of the “Mets”, “Nationals”, and “Expos”, all of which, the council finds extremely offensive.)
  

3. Detroit Tigers MLB_Uni_DET.PNG
The
council has always been impressed that the Detroiters, like the Yanks
of New York, opt for the simple yet classic home whites and away grays,
rather than a plethora of non-traditional alternates that do nothing
but over-commercialize the great game.

The council is especially
fond of the home whites and the Old English “D” that adorns them. 
While lacking the majesty and mystique of the Yanks “NY”, the
Detroiters emblem symbolizes the tough, blue-collar grit of the
rust-belt unions, the very unions that, coincidentally, helped destroy the
economy of said rust belt.  Perhaps, like General Motors, the Tigers can be bailed out with coerced tax payer money and become a
quasi-socialist organization run by President Hopenchange. Picture the image of Tigers skipper Jim Leyland sharing a smoke with PBO in the Tigers dugout…someone give Leroy Neiman a call immediately.

The
Tigers had a firm grasp on first place in the UAC standings throughout
the off-season and up until the last day of voting, when one
persnickety council member noted that the use of the color orange on
the navy away caps could easily be misconstrued as the UAC condemned
combination of orange and black.  This forced a tie-breaker vote the
next day resulting in a disappointing finish for Les Tigres behind the
tundra-dwellers of Minneapolis/St. Paul.   Detroit may never recover.

Colors (Navy Blue, White, Orange): B- (The orange cost them dearly)
Cap Insignia(s): A- (Perfection denied via red’s ugly sister.)
Team Logo: A+ (Classic)
Mascot: B- 
(Has become rather trite in the world of mascots.)

4. Chicago White Sox MLB_Uni_CWS.PNG
Of
course, we all know that President Hopenchange would never bail out the
Detroit Tigers…hell, the man is self-respecting White Sox Fan
Anyway, many a heated debate was had over the unis of the south-side
dwellers of the windy city.  The home pinstripes were found to be
rock-solid, sleek and generally appealing.  The only fault found with
the road grays was the stripe adorning the bottom half of the uni…the
council is still deliberating on the exact nature of this aesthetic
quandary.

The alternates, of course, clearly violate UAC Section P, Article 303 – Mixing of Solids and Stripes
But what sealed the fate of the Chicagoans 4th place rating was a 3/4
majority appeal for retroactive reparations for the aesthetic crimes
committed by the club during the late 70’s/early 80’s “baggy uni” phase.  Reparations will begin to be phased out at the beginning of the 2020 season.

Colors (Black, Silver, White): B+ (Nothing flashy, very meat & potatoes.  The council is a fan of meat and potatoes.)
Cap Insignia(s): A (Simple, stylish)
Team Logo: A (Ditto)
Mascot: B 
(Like “Red Sox”, the ears of UAC members do not hear “socks”, we hear “play ball”)
 

5. Kansas City Royals
MLB_Uni_KC.PNG
Any hope the Royals ever had of escaping the cellar in the UAC
standings are and will forever be dashed by the hideous, inexcusable
aesthetic assault that is their powder blue alternates.  The council
also weeps that the talent of Zack Grienke is not only being wasted in
the fandom wasteland of Kansas City, but that they have the nerve to
dress Herr Grienke up in such humiliating attire.  No wonder he has a social anxiety disorder.  A thousand curses
upon this franchise!  What’s that?  “Get in line”?

Colors (Royal Blue, Powder Blue, White): D(Lose the powder blue.)
Cap Insignia(s): B (Not awe-inspiring, but not awful either)
Team Logo: C (Meh)
Mascot: C+ 
(I seem to recall that this has some regional significance, but since
this is the Royals, I just don’t see the upside of Googling the answer.)

Actual BAPL Predictions for the American League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:

AL Central
1. Minnesota Twins  (See Mauer bias above)
2. Chicago White Sox  (Possible wild card in the works)
3. Detroit Tigers (More mediocrity in the works)
4. Cleveland Indians  (Possibly a fierce battle for the cellar with KC in the works)
5. Kansas City Royals  (More pathetic Grienke wasting in the works)

Next up: the NL Central

–Jonestein

Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.

Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.

2010 BAPL UAC Predictions – NL East

Yesterday, the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council issued the 1st in a 5.94 part series(1) of 2010 MLB prognostications, beginning with an evaluation of the AL East that may very well lead to an armed conflict between the United States and Toronto.

Despite the impending Canuckageddon, the council pulled an all-nighter, bravely marching forward to bring you today’s NL East aesthetic forecast:

Warning: The BAPL UAC has declared the NL East an official Uniform Aesthetic Disaster Zone.  All findings below were calculated using the EVE® (Eye Vomit Elimination) method developed by Dr. Dewey Summers of the BAPL Statistical Aesthetics & Neuroscience Institute.  For more information on this groundbreaking method, please visit http://www.bapl.net/SANI/Summers-Eve

1. Florida Marlins MLB_Uni_FLA.PNG
The fish nearly missed UADZ designation altogether due to the fact that their home and away unis only violate UAC Minor Infraction Code 9703 – Use of TealHowever, the major violation of UAC Section P, Article 303 – Mixing of Solids and Stripes in their alternates, coupled with the blinding orange and teal assault from the vast sea of empty seats at Scrabble Pro Stadium in 2009 has secured said fish federal aid funds under the Children’s UADZ Fund rider recently slipped in with President Obama’s health care reform bill.
All that to say, the Floridian unis were the least offensive in the aesthetically challenged NL East.  The pinstriped home unis are kind of stylish and slick, while the road grays conform to UAC locale naming requirements with the black hat/belt/socks combo offering an appealing contrast to the gray.

Colors (Black, Teal, Silver, White): C+  (Though a minor infraction, the teal cost ’em here.)
Cap Insignia(s): C  (Looks like a marlin getting squished by a giant “F”, no doubt the result of a crane accident during one of the numerous stadium renamings of Scrabble Pro Stadium. )
Team Logo: C (Meh,  Again with the teal.)
Mascot: B (Regionally relevant, might roll off the tongue better when they’re renamed the “Miami Marlins”.)

2. Philadelphia Phillies  MLB_Uni_PHI.PNG
While the Marlins alternates assured them federal funding and a place in the disaster zone, the slick looking, cream colored alternates from the City of Brotherly Shove kept them from bottom-three relegation in the gangly NL East.  The Philly alternates actually rate among the favorites of the UAC.  The well apportioned red on cream, mixed with the splash of blue on the cap make for pure UAC aesthetic delight.  The seizure-inducing home red pinstripes?  Not so much.  These red monstrosities actually drove one UAC member to watch hockey during the ’09 World Series…hockey, for God’s sake!

Colors (Red, White, Blue): B+  (Needless to say, too much of the red is utilized.)
Cap Insignia(s): C+ 
(Not terribly inspiring.)
Team Logo: B+ (We likee.)
Mascot: C (If it references a cheese steak sandwich, the council is prepared to reconsider this grade.)

3. New York Mets   MLB_Uni_NYM.PNG
The Blue/Orange color combination of New York’s “other” baseball team skates dangerously close to the prohibited and much UAC maligned combination of black and orange.  The common denominator in each being, of course, the color orange.  See, we here at the BAPL UAC see the color orange as the ugly, pasty skinned sister of the color red, so only in rare cases like the University of Texas Longhorns, is this gangly color even remotely accepted by the UAC.  In fact, UT orange gets a pass only because it is actually “burnt” orange, which means red’s ugly sister in Austin spent some time at the tanning salon.
Until recently, the UAC had actually come to terms with the blue/orange, based solely on the nostalgia appeal of it’s origins, i.e. the merging of the Brooklyn Dodger Blue and New York Giant Orange.

Then one summer in the UAC lounge, Pervus Moth, octogenarian janitor at BAPL headquarters in Fort Worth, was heard yelling “I don’t like that black on the Mets!”.  Several council members rushed into the lounge from the board room to discover a Mets/Phillies game playing on the HD 60 inch.  To their horror, the Mets were sporting their hideous black alternates…the council, was mortified.  An emergency UAC vote was held immediately, the Mets were deemed “aesthetically unfit”, and their nostalgia permit was revoked. 

Ironically, it was later discovered that Pervus the janitor was actually referring to Mets shortstop Jose Reyes, not the black alternate uniforms.  Mr. Moth was immediately ushered off by BAPL Security to UAC Area 42 for ethnic sensitivity training and subsequently transferred to a remote BAPL affiliate office in East Texas.

Colors (Blue, Orange, White & Black): D-  (You give an inch, they take a mile.)
Cap Insignia(s): C 
(Ugly New York step child.)
Team Logo: A (Not horrible.  Old NY skyline silhouette on a baseball, beddy nice, save for the orange.)
Mascot: B– (I guess “Metropolitan” is the New York equivalent of a Canadien. )

4. Atlanta Braves  MLB_Uni_ATL.PNG 
Remove the alternate red unis, and the Braves escape UAC condemnation.  Their home whites and road grays meet all UAC requirements for acceptable sports team attire.  The second alternates are tolerated, but the hideous reds induced too much eye-vomit during last night’s proceedings.  Tragic, indeed.

Colors (Navy blue, scarlet, white): A  (Looks great on the home unis)
Cap Insignia(s): A+ 
(Looks similar to the “Atheist Out” logo)
Team Logo: B (Politically incorrect, but that just earns it more praise from the council.)
Mascot: B (Same as above. )

5. Washington Nationals  MLB_Uni_DC.PNG
Full disclosure: the UAC despises Washington D.C..  It represents the center of bloated overreaching government power that insults the council’s libertarian sensibilities.  That being said, just about any sports team from D.C. is going to get trashed by the UAC, it doesn’t matter if their uniforms are plastered with naked pictures of Jessica Alba.  THAT being said, the team from D.C. and their red leanings (irony alert) in the uniform department score no points with the UAC, except maybe, just maybe the road grays, whose use of blue socks & caps saves them from total condemnation.

Colors (Red, Navy Blue, Gold, White): A–  (No problem with the colors, just the overuse of the red)
Cap Insignia(s): F 
(Bland, like Victory Coffee)
Team Logo: C (Impotent, like Victory Gin)
Mascot: D- (Bland and politically correct)

Actual BAPL Predictions for the National League East as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:

NL East
1. Philadelphia Phillies (Bias alert: many Phillies scattered amongst UAC fantasy teams)
2. New York Mets (If healthy, otherwise 3rd or fourth)
3. Florida Marlins (Toss up between the Fish and the Injuns here)
4. Atlanta Braves (See above)
5. Washington Natinals (Might be some excitement if the Chosen One is called up)

Next up: the AL Central

–Jonestein

(1) In the interest of bandwidth conservation, the UAC is still debating on whether or not to include the Pittsburgh Pirates and Kansas City Royals in it’s 2010 prognostications, seeing as how it’s almost a given that these two relegation-worthy teams will finish in the cellar no matter what the prognostication method may be.

Note: For those of you out there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.

Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.

BAPL ALCS/NLCS Predictions: Nothing to see here…

barbrady.jpegI’m not feeling terribly inspired or witty today, as I think I blew my snarck-wad in the last several posts, comments sections, and on Facebook…so you might want to take Officer Barbrady’s advice and “Move along, there’s nothing to see here”, this is probably going to be a boring post.

*waits for you to move along*

Ok, so how did the Magic BAPL Prediction Box® do in the ALDS and NLDS? Looks like I went 3-1, with an asterisk next to the “3”:

1. Los Anaheim in five over Boston.

Well, I got the “over” part right.  Unfortunately, the Halos heroics were too much for my boys from Beantown, and there was no dramatic game five win, just an embarrasing three-game sweep in front of a stunned Beantown crowd.  It seems Post-Season Papelbon is mortal afterall.

2. Yanks sweep Twinks.

Check.  This was the easiest of the predictions, though the Twinks fell valiantly.

3. Phils 3 games to 1 over the Rox.

Nailed it.

4. Cardinals 3 games to 2 over the Dodgers.

Not so much.  Not sure that Matt Holliday’s flubolla made any difference in this one as the Cardinals decided to do their best impersonation of the September 2009 Texas Rangers.  I really thought the Cardinal bats would overpower the Dodger pitching. Looks like this prediction fell victim to an old adage. Worst of all: Padilla.  Blech.

 

Now, onward and forward to the ALCS and NLCS, slightly tainted because I’m a day late and the Phils beat Los Angeles of Los Angeles last night:

1. ALCS – Yanks over the Angels in Six.

I actually WANT the Angels to win because I would love to see a LAA-LALA World Series…and I actually WANT the Angels to win the World Series because it would be a huge, symbolic middle finger to all of the AL West bashers out there.  But alas, as much as it pains me to say this, I think the Yanks are the “real deal” this year.  The Halos will give em one helluva fight, but the Evil Empire will prevail.

2. NLCS – Dodgers over Phils in Seven.

I’ll at least get half of my desired World Series, and MLB, FOX, and anyone who benefits from good television ratings will get their full WS wish as the Dodgers prevail in an epic dogfight(I can’t believe I’m starting to use the word “epic” all of the time.  I sound like my 17 yr old nephew…EVERYTHING is “Epic”…lol).  The Phils, like the Angels, will not go down easily and shall fight valiantly to the bitter end.

Not that my predictions matter, as I think any combination will give us a great World Series this year.

Ok, that’s it.  Told you it would be boring.

:^)

–Jonestein