Now, dear readers, our 2010 aesthetic journey ends here, in the BAPL UAC’s home division, the much maligned AL West…the “Rodney Dangerfield” of MLB divisions if you will. But let’s face it folks, this bad rep is most certainly well earned, after all, has this division been anything but Angel fodder for the last ten years? Even the West’s perennial champs, save 2002, haven’t fared well in the post season, always knocking on the door, but never quite getting in.
The BAPL UAC has other issues with this division, namely that we want our beloved Texas Rangers the hell out of it. Why? The suckitude of the division isn’t the problem, after all, our woe-is-me franchise is a huge contributor to the Suckitude Arts of the West. No, it’s about time zones and away games on the dreaded left coast.
See, UAC council members don’t just restrict their devotion to the hallowed halls of Rangers Ballpark in Arlington, no, indeed, council-folk eyes want to be glued to all things Rangerdom on the road as well. This task is made extremely difficult by the incessant late night start times inherent with having all three of your team’s division two freakin time zones to the left of you.
The BAPL solution (which has repeatedly fallen upon deaf MLB ears)? Move our beloved Rangers to the AL Central, and move the Royals to the AL West. After all, does anyone besides Zack Grienke’s parents even watch the Royals anymore? Of course not.
On to our last aesthetics installment of 2010:
1. Seattle Mariners
Even though this “Northwest Green” looks suspiciously like the dread color teal, the M’s companion colors, UAC favorite Navy Blue, and the highlight color Metallic Silver complement it well. The Seattle unis, top to bottom, home whites to alts are hands down the most stylish and appealing in the AL West. Be warned though, Emerald City, should you, like your aesthetically retarded NFL franchise next door at Qwest Field EVER choose to adopt Crossing Guard Green as one of your colors, you will no doubt find yourselves condemned to UAC aestheitic hell for eternity.
Colors (Navy Blue, Northwest Green, Metallic Silver): A- (Again, this “Northwest Green” is suspect.)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Regionally relevant, looks great on the caps)
Team Logo: B+ (Again, regionally relevent and attractive)
Mascot: A+ (A high school classmate of mine once told me that the original name of the team was the Seattle “Red Mainers”, pronounced Marineers. I always thought this was BS and the vast knowledge base of the Intertubes has pretty much confirmed this today)
2. Texas Rangers
Our beloved Rangers took a huge hit last season when they introduced two aesthetic no-no’s into their otherwise perfect unis: 1) Instead of “Rangers” adorning the home whites, “Texas” now adorns the front of all Ranger Jerseys. 2) No-no number one was possibly forgivable, but no-no number two was a cardinal aesthetic sin: the introduction of the alternate reds.
These hideous eye sores were no doubt intended to take us back to the “glory days” of the late nineties, when red was the primary color of the team, a major aesthetic screw-up that began with the opening of the Ballpark in ’95. To the council, the reds just scream “We want to look like the Angels! Maybe that way, we can be successful like the Angels!” No, ugly unis are not the path to salvation. Competent ownership and management (workin on that) and perhaps a stadium with a retractable roof and air conditioning to combat the oppressive Texas heat are the path to October glory (second one just ain’t gonna happen).
Otherwise, we just love the Ranger unis, especially the away grays and alternate blues.
Colors (Blue, Red, White): A- (Slight penalty for the unorthodox use of red.)
Cap Insignia(s): A
(Excluding the red cap, it’s the best cap insig in franchise history)
Team Logo: A (Again, best in franchise history, especially since it doesn’t have a fking cowboy hat in it. I think every pro sports franchise except the Dallas Stars have had, at some point in their existence, a freaking cowboy hat in their logo. Needless to say, the UAC frowns upon this trite stereotype slapped on the very culturally diverse Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex.)
Mascot: B (Had the council grown up elsewhere, we might very well think “Rangers” is a stupid name, but it’s all we’ve ever known, and like the idiocy that is religion/belief in the supernatural, if that’s all you exposed to growing up, you tend to get used to it.)
3. Oakland Athletics
The A’s unis are a guilty pleasure for those of us on the UAC. Like Sarah Jessica Parker, we know they are fairly hideous at first glance, but they have a certain spunk about them that gives them some weird kind of fetishy appeal. Like Mrs. Jessica Parker, you might take ’em out to the barn for a naughty roll in the hay, but come prom night, you’d suddenly declare that you “need some space” (probably the same “space” occupied by the cute Asian chick in the Mariners jersey).
Colors (Green, Gold, White): B (The “gold” looks more yellow than anything..blech)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Timely and not horrible)
Team Logo: B (Not horrible, not fangasmic either)
Mascot: C+ (Meh)
4. Los Anaheim Angels
The pre-2002 Angels unis were slick. Post 2002? Not so much. As you’ve surely guessed, assuming you’ve read this whole series, it’s the freakin red. Too much red is hideous, period. Bring back the pre-2002 unis, PLEASE!
Colors (Red, Navy Blue, White): D- (Only the Navy Blue saves them form and F.)
Cap Insignia(s): C
Team Logo: C (Meh)
Mascot: B (As much as we despise the fairy tale origins of the mascot, it actually works for them)
Actual BAPL Predictions for the American League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:
1. Los Anaheim Angels of Los Californios (Will probably reign in the West as long as Scioscia is the skipper.)
2. Seattle Mariners (It may very well come down to the last couple of weeks, but the M’s will fall just short.)
3. Texas Rangers (Sadly, I think muh boys are in for a disappointing setback this year and I think they will be struggling just to stay out of the cellar. )
4. Oakland Athletics (Until this franchise gets the hell out of Oakland and joins the Sharks in San Jose, the best they will ever do is battle the Rangers for third in the west. )
Next up: Opening Freakin Day (OK, technically, “Opening Night”, here in about four hours, but that just feels wrong.)
Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.
Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.