For UAC Chair and BAPL CEO Jonestein, the NL West is but a sad
reminder of a screenwriting career that was never to be. One of the
many screenplays submitted by Jonestein to Hollywood was one titled “Sent Down”, a tragic, yet witty homage to the great game which was surely destined to become The Next Great Baseball Movie.
“Sent Down” centered around an eclectic group of Major League Baseball players recently sent down to the their Triple A affiliate Provo Golden Plates in
Utah. A character-driven story, the five main characters in the
script represented an encapsulation of each NL West team’s regional
personality and quirks(translation: perceived stereotypes):
Bobby Roxsum, Jr.
(Played by the Colorado Rockies) – The main character of the story,
Bobby is a young baseball prodigy who made a brief appearance in the
majors last season but was sent back down to Provo shortly thereafter.
Young Bobby is still trying to figure out who he is, a task complicated
by his dichotomous upbringing at the hands of his (now divorced)
parents, Robert Sr., a Baptist pastor in Colorado Springs, and his
mother, Jan Dowdy-Roxsum, PhD, an Environmental Scientist at Colorado
State University. Bobby’s journey of self-discovery is complicated
even further by the influence of his oddball teammates.
Danny “Dude” Mann
(Played by the LA Dodgers) – Dude Mann has the talent to be a perennial
MLB All-Star, but his laid-back lifestyle and work ethic, coupled with
his frequent use of “medicinal” marijuana and subsequent suspensions,
have landed his career in Provo, where he frequently ends up on the DL
after “catching a snow wave, Dude” following his morning “glaucoma treatment”.
(Played by the San Francisco Giants) – P.C.’s political crusades often
land him in hot water with the Provo locals, who also take issue with
his celebration dance after driving one home. P.C.’s crusade to ban
wooden bats and leather gloves also have league officials frowning on
Mike “Sarge” March (Played by the San Diego Padres)
– Sarge frequently peruses the crowd for disrespectful fans who try to
escape to the men’s room during the 7th inning stretch playing of “God
Bless America”. He once put an unsuspecting Japanese tourist into a
sleeper hold for taking pictures during said 7th inning ritual of
guilt-coerced patriotism. “Foreignality is no excuse!”, shouted the enraged Golden Plates 3rd baseman after the incident.
R.L. “Sundown” Hawthorne
(Curmudgeonly Manager of the Golden Plates, played by the Arizona
Diamondbacks) – The 72 year old skipper of the ‘Plates only took the
Provo job because there are no lights at Joseph Smith Field, so all
games are played during the day, enabling him to make it to Luby’s by
4:45 for supper.
A sample scene from the baseball epic that never was:
on a running water fountain being operated by ‘Plates shortstop Dude
Mann, his teammates waiting impatiently for a thirst-quenching drink.
Almost there, dudes, almost there.
What in the HAY-UL happened to our Sparkletts delivery?!?
I think Limpright sued the delivery guy for environmental genocide.
Do you apes not care what those plastic bottles are doing to THE ENVIRONMENT?!?
Oh, Jesus, is it time for my Luann plate yet?
(Finally taking a drink)
Mmmm, dudes, it’s like having sex with one of those blue things from “Avatar”.
Anyways, back to the aestheitcs:
1. LA Dodgers
and simple with no alternates, a perennial favorite of the BAPL UAC,
especially the road grays, which the council got to witness first hand
last season when the Dodgers came to Arlington.
Colors (Dodger Blue and White): A+ (Dodger blue rocks)
Cap Insignia(s): A
(Ok, this one is probably the second most recognizable in the world, not the Bostons’)
Team Logo: B (Like it, but don’t love it)
Mascot: A (Never bothered to explore it’s origins until a few years ago…we likee)
2. Colorado Rockies
Had the Dodgers gone to the merchandising dark side and started
sporting alternates, then the Rox would have grabbed first place in the
UAC standings. The Rox purple and black combo is a UAC favorite also
sported by the UAC’s favorite hockey team, the Texas Brahmas, and root-for-by-proximity-proxy college football team, the TCU Horned Frogs. The Colorado sleeveless alternates, however, cost ’em a spot in the standings.
Colors (Black, Purple, Silver, White): A+ (Brahma and Horned Frog worthy)
Cap Insignia(s): A
Team Logo: A (Regional, purple, and black…love it)
Mascot: A+ (Absolutely perfect for this team)
3. San Francisco Giants
Third place was a virtual toss-up between the Giants and Padres based
solely on their hideous alternates. The Giants won out however, due to
the appeal of their home cream unis and in spite of the UAC condemned
Orange/Black motif of the team. Plus, Matt Cain is on one of Chairman
Jonestein’s fantasy teams.
Colors (Black, Orange, Cream): F (Blech)
Cap Insignia(s): D
Team Logo: B (Meh)
Mascot: B (Not
horrible. We just wonder why baseball commentators don’t feel the need
to call them the San Francisco “Baseball” Giants like the NFL does the
New York “Football” Giants)
4. San Diego Padres
With the exception of the home whites and first alternates,
probably, some of the most heinous unis in all of baseball. Yeah,
yeah, I get the shove-the-patriotism-down-your-throat motives of the
second alts, but from an aesthetic perspective, BLECH!
Colors (Navy Blue, Sand, White): D (The only color saving the Friars from total condemnation is the Navy Blue)
Cap Insignia(s): B
Team Logo: D (Looks like it should be the logo for some sun block with aloe)
Mascot: F (Effing stupid)
5. Arizona Diamondbacks
Only the second alts escape complete UAC condemnation. The rest of
the D-Back unis suffer from the red curse, as well as a horrible logo,
one of the most hideous in the league.
Colors (Sedona Red, Black, Sonoran Sand, White): F (Yeah,
they can try and hide behind fancy words like “Sedona” and “Sonoran”,
but they can’t hide from the council’s judgmental eyes)
Cap Insignia(s): B
(Kinda cool, actually)
Team Logo: B/F (The TEAM logo is ok, but the logo on the jerseys is awful)
Mascot: A+ (Surround it with some non-offensive colors and a decent jersey logo and the cellar dwelling days would be over.)
Actual BAPL Predictions for the National League Central as mandated by BAPL UAC32910:
1. Colorado Rockies (Tulo and Co. will continue to thrive.)
2. San Francisco Giants (Timmah and Co. should take the NL Wild Card)
3. LA Dodgers (Manny and the Dodgers will falter late in the season)
4. Arizona Diamondbacks (Look for some improvements over last year, but not much)
5. San Diego Padres (Like the Royals, Pirates, Natinals, and Orioles, this team would be great in a relegation league).
Next up: the AL West
Note: For those of you out
there that share the BAPL Uniform Aesthetics Council’s weird obsession
with uniform aesthetics, be sure to check out the Uni Watch site.
Current uni Images swiped from team pages on Wikipedia.
Yesterday’s hella-exciting NFC Championship game should have been one-to-two Minnesota touchdowns less exciting. Why? Because the New Orleans Saints have apparently forgotten one huge football fundamental that even I had drilled into my head as early as JUNIOR high football: when the ball is loose, FALL ON THE $*&#$& THING! Every time the Vikings flubbed the ball last night, not ONCE did a New Orleans defender adhere to this simple, proven, pee-wee football fundamental! Instead, their egos tried to scoop up the ball and run with it…GAHHHHH!
Even one of their 5-ton defensive lineman tried to play Walter Payton last night…I was screaming at the top of my Cowboys-fan-get-revenge-on-the-run-up-the-score-Vikes lungs…ARGH! Oh well, the Ain’ts have finally made it to the Supe…way to go guys!
In other news…
* Looks like my Texas Rangers are nearly out of the ownership woods – yesterday, Pittsburgh sports attorney Chuck Greenburg and Rangers legend Nolan Ryan cleared the first hurdle in buying the Rangers from Tom “Too-Many-Irons-in-the-Sports-Franchise-Fire” Hicks, i.e. they’ve reached an agreement with the Hicks Sports Group, the same group that is destroying the Dallas Stars and Liverpool FC. The deal still needs approval from 75% of MLB owners, the NHL, and the army of banks that Hicks owes money to. Hopefully, all of the above are just formalities and the handoff can happen before opening day.
* Due to my writing inspiration woes of late, I haven’t said much about the Hot Stove here in Arlington. In a nutshell:
1. The Rangers acquired Rich Harden from the Cubs, but it cost us Kevin Millwood(who went to the Orioles in a salary dump move). If Harden works out, it will definitely be an upgrade to our numero-uno spot in the rotation. Millwood was, at best, a very good number three starter.
2. We got Vlad from Los Anaheim of California. Hopefully, that bat he’s used to bludgeon the Rangers with over the years still has some bludgeon left in it. We’re gonna need it, seeing as how Seattle‘s hot stove has been cookin’ with gas this off season. The M’s look mighty mighty on paper. Hopefully, like Communism, they’ll just look good on paper.
3. Our other limited budget, risky business moves include reliever Chris Ray (from the Orioles in the Millwood deal), presumed number-three starter Colby Lewis (from Japan’s Hiroshima Carp), former Ranger and fan favorite reliever Darren Oliver (from Los Anaheim), and utility fielder Khalil Greene (apparently from the loony bin).
On the hockey front –
* My new-found love for hockey continues, unfortunately, the Tom Hicks owned, 25th-in-the-NHL-in-salary Dallas Stars suck this year, and will likely continue to suck as long as Hicks owns the team.
* The Texas Brahmas continue their up-and-down season and despite a barely .500 record, are clinging to third place in the CHL-Southern Division.
* I was rummaging around in my pile of barely played/never played PS2 games this weekend and discovered I had NHL 2001, still in the shrink-wrap. Like the real-life game of hockey, I’m kicking myself for not discovering the game years ago! Mrs. J and I were up all night on Saturday playing the game. Fortunately, my PS2 hockey procrastination payed off – since this was NHL 2001 , the PS2 Dallas Stars roster was that of their 1998-2000 glory years with Brett Hull, Derian Hatcher, Ed Belfour, and in-their-prime Mike Modano & Jere Lehtinen. Much fun was had.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty disappointed that Omar Vizquel left the Rangers for the White Sox. I would have liked to seen him stick around another year in Arlington as Elvis Andrus’ tutor…and even if Elvis no longer needs Omar’s tutelage, Vizquel showed everyone in 2009 that he’s still got game by his spectacular play at SS, 2B, AND 3B…can you say “No Errors”?
Plus, I can’t help feel a little slighted by Vizquel’s comments of wanting to depart for a “higher profile” team, as he put it. I doubt he meant that in a hurtful way as Omar, from a fan’s perspective, always seemed to be an incredibly nice, courteous person, but the words stung nonetheless.
Anyway, good luck to Omar, we’ll miss you here in low-profile Arlington.
In other news, former Rockies manager Clint Hurdle has been hired to replace Rangers manager Ron Washing…er…sorry, a little premature eradication on my part there…Hurdle was hired to eventually replace Ron Washington as the Rangers manager, temporarily pretending to be the hitting coach after the departure of Rudy Jaramillo to the, LOL, Cubs.
I really have no opinion on this move one way or another. Yeah, Hurdle obviously lost control of the Rockies in 2009, but sometimes all a good manag…uh..hitting coach needs is a fresh start. Hopefully he can help the Rangers find the bats they lost in 2009.
Still no word on Marlon Byrd staying in a Rangers uni. Everything I’m seeing in the press indicates he’ll be gone. This sucks, he’s a fan favorite here in Rangerdum.
Ownership-wise, rumors are sweeping through DFW that Cowboys great Roger Staubach might be in contention as a partial new owner of the Rangers. Unfortunately, it’s not a controlling share and our bumbling current owner, Tom Hicks, would still be in charge of things, rendering Roger the Dodger irrelevant in the equation. I just don’t see why it’s so g’damn hard to sell a freaking Major League Baseball team! And to a competent owner who wants to put a winner on the field! Argh!
On the hockey front:
My hockey edjumication continues as I’ve been to a couple of Dallas Stars games(Stars 5, NJ Devils 3 on Sat night) and a handful of Texas Brahmas games. I still feel pretty clueless, but I think I’ve got the basics down and I’m already past the “Who the fk is that guy?” stage of my hockey journey.
It seems the Stars are in a transition year with a new coach and new style of play…”less agressive” is what I think one guy told me. The Stars are playing pretty inconsistent hockey this year, pretty much beating the “good” teams and not faring well against the mid-to low level teams. I’m enjoying the hell out of it, so I guess that’s all that matters.
Our defending CHL champion Texas Brahmas are faring about as well as the Stars…doing fairly well against the CHL elite, but floundering against everyone else. Brahmas games are fun as heck to attend…very small, 2k seat arena with rabid fans. At the end of a Brahmas power play, the PA guy always announces that the opposing team is “back at full strength”, and the crowd immediately follows with an arena-shaking “AND THEY STILL SUCK!”. Hella-fun, I tell ya, hella-fun!